The doctor is, nickcagefingerthingfrom-gonein60seconds.gif, in. Today I'm here to talk about Stone Temple Pilots' Creep. Sure you may think Creep is a painful grunge introspective giving a bit of insight into the heroin riddled mind of Scott Weiland. Perhaps you believe it's a kleptomaniac cutter's plea for forgiveness and help. Maybe you think it's a song by Radiohead. You may think these things, but you'd be wrong. I don't know where you work, but this may be construed as not safe for that place.

Forward yesterday
Makes me wanna stay
What they said was real
Makes me wanna steal

These things rhyme and I'm into theft is what is trying to be said here.

Livin' under house
Guess I'm livin', I'm a mouse
All's I got is time
Got no meanin', just a rhyme

These things also rhyme, thank you for noticing. A bit of foreshadowing as well, great.

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
I like to steal

I pick scabs, you guys. More theft action too, but get ready for the meat. Figuratively.

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I'm half the man I used to be
(This I feel as the dawn)
(It fades to gray)
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
(This I feel as the dawn)
(It fades to gray)
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
(This I feel as the dawn)
(It fades to gray)
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
Half the man I used to be

Here it is; our hook is also the aforementioned figurative meat. Scott Weiland is physically shrinking at an incredible rate. Upon a cursory Google search, Weiland began the song at 5' 11" (H0) or about 180 cm for our friends north of the boarder. Now, some pretty easy math to get us to his new size: H1=H0/(2^x) where H1 is his new height in inches and x is the number of times halved (x=5 in this stanza). This comes to 2.2 inches or 5.6 centimeters, which begs the question: just what the hell are you up to, Scott? The figure below gives an accurate scale.

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Feelin' uninspired
Think I'll start a fire
Everybody run
Bobby's got a gun

Yeah you tiny bastard, I'd be pretty uninspired at this point as well. Good luck with that fire, there isn't a lighter on Earth that you could work at your present stature and you don't strike me as much of an outdoorsman. On the bright side, Bobby probably isn't a good enough shot to take you from any sort of distance.

Think you're kinda neat
Then she tells me I'm a creep
Friends don't mean a thing
Guess I'll leave it up to me

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Shrinking yourself to 2.2 inches and complaining about getting "friendzoned" you are a creep.

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
I like to steal

Silver lining: stealing this is easier when you can fit in a pocket. But you should probably stop stabbing the hand that keeps coming into the pocket because apparently it just wants a little peace and quiet.

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I'm half the man I used to be
(This I feel as the dawn)
(It fades to gray)
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
(This I feel as the dawn)
(It fades to gray)
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
(This I feel as the dawn)
(It fades to gray)
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
Half the man I used to be

Five more iterations and Scott's new height is 0.069 inches or 1.8 mm. Since 0.069 inches doesn't really mean anything to me, I will be switching to metric only from here on out. At this point it would be physically possible for him to domesticate a dust mite, or play soccer with a human egg. Frustratingly, no hard evidence as to why he is shrinking himself. Here's another image for perspective.

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Yea

Yea indeed.

Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
Take time with a wounded hand
Guess I like to steal
Take time with a wounded hand
'Cause it likes to heal
I like to steal

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Enough of this shit, Scott.

I'm half the man I used to be
(This I feel as the dawn)
(It fades to gray)
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
(This I feel as the dawn)
(It fades to gray)
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
(This I feel as the dawn)
(It fades to gray)
Well, I'm half the man I used to be
Half the man I used to be
Half the man I used to be

Six (!) more iterations to shut it down here. Scott Weiland is now an astounding 0.028 mm. He's down to 28 micrometers (10-6 meters for those keeping score at home). Good lord, I get it. We were so blind. Weiland wasn't shrinking for anything less than the most nefarious of purposes. He wasn't stealing things, he was stealing lives.

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He turned himself into ebola, and here we all were, totally in the dark. Obama, you son of a bitch.