A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

A drunken live blog of part of the view askew catalogue: Clerks.

Full disclosure I've seen this movie over a hundred times. I've watched every View Askewniverse movie repeatedly (Clerks, Mallrats, Chasing Amy, Dogma, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Clerks II). I own the Clerks animated show on DVD. I'm also an avid listener of Smodcast, Hollywood Babble-On, and Tell 'Em Steve-Dave. I watch Comic Book Men. I am an unabashed Kevin Smith fanboi. I know way too much about this movie and the making of it. I'll try to keep the stupid trivia that is only interesting to me to a minimum but I am (as the title suggests) drunk so it may slip out. You've been warned.

Editor's note: It is much more difficult to drunkenly liveblog a comedy than a movie that takes itself seriously and involves time travel.


0:00: Stupid triva: (ST) This opening animation was drawn by none other than Comic Book Men's Walt Flanagan. (Shit, it's started already)

0:01: Dante tells his boss to call Randal, but Randal is already scheduled to run the video store that day. Nice continuity, Smith.

0:02: The fashion is this movie is tremendous. Dante is wearing the loosest pair of jeans I've even seen but he also has them tucked into the top of his combat boots so it looks like he's wearing parachute pants.

0:02: ST: The thing about the shutters being jammed shut was written in since they had to shoot the interiors at night after the store was closed. Kevin worked at the store at the time.


0:05: Holy shit! Cigarettes for $1.50! I miss the 90s. In 1995 you could literally get a carton of cigarettes, a tank of gas, and a blowjob for $40. Now I can't even get the cigarettes.

0:09: The best part of the Chewlie's scene is that you can clearly hear one of the extras say “yeah, smoke my big fat cock” directly into the boom mic. (skip to a bit after the three minute mark).

0:09: Someone says they spend $53 a week on cigarettes, At a conservatove $2 a pack based on the prices showing that's 3 and a half packs a day. That guy has got to be dead by now, right? Also the fact that it comes out to exactly 3.5 packs a day at $2 means someone on the set did the math. Definitely not Mosier or Kevin though, hearing them try to do basic math on Smodcast is maddening. There was a discussion about the metric system a few weeks ago that made me want to jam a pencil in my ear.


0:10: I can't get over how baggy Dante's jeans are. It's like he's wearing a painters drop cloth. The early 90s were a fat man's paradise.

0:14: Veronica says “Vegetable meaning paraplegic” THASS ABLIST! (And makes no goddamn sense since paraplegics and those in a vegetative state are completely different things.)


0:16: Dante is doing a ton of slut-shaming here about Veronica sucking 37 dicks, and he's being super aggressive. The girls at Jezebel need to write a post that is way longer than necessary about this.

0:20: Randal says he thought that Dante was playing hockey at one. Previously the hockey game was said to be at two, furthermore, Randal plays in the game later but couldn't have been planning on it since he himself was scheduled to work. This hockey game is the most inconsistent thing in the film.


0:22: ST: Randal was based on Kevin's friend Bryan Johnson (beard guy on Comic Book Men) who is probably Kev's only friend who doesn't appear in the film since at the time he and Kevin weren't speaking because Bryan, while waiting for Kevin to show up for his shift at Quik Stop, eventually left a sign saying the store was closed due to bubonic plague, which got the cops involved. During the ensuing conversation Bryan hung up on Kevin and they didn't speak for over a year.

0:23: The happy scrappy mom is wearing a B.U.M Equipment jacket. This is the most 90s movie ever.


0:24: True story, I introduced my wife to this movie and she went to the bathroom right before Randal reals off the porno names. I paused it so she wouldn't miss the movie. After the scene she said, “You know, you can go ahead and let it play if I get up.”

0:25: ST: The cat's name is Lenin's Tomb.

0:26: Jay's acting is fucking atrocious in this movie, and this is even before he started doing drugs.


0:31: “Babyface Bambino, the gangster?” Thanks for that exposition. I never could have guessed that Dominic "Babyface" Bambino was the name of a mobster.

0:33: “I don't appreciate your ruse ma'am” on the other hand is a brilliant piece of dialogue.


0:34: ST: Walt is playing the guy looking for the perfect eggs (along with about 10 other roles), the woman who manually masturbates caged animals for artificial insemination is Kevin's sister.

0:35: Kevin's sister is the best actor in this movie.

0:36: Dante says that all the prices end in nine and yet every price visible ends in 5


0:37: I think I'm going to put in an AMA request for a former jizz-mopper. They have to exist somewhere. I bet in Amsterdam it's a well respected career path.

0:37: “This job would be great if it wasn't for the fucking customers. “As I'll expound upon in a future terrible jobs I've had, I was once a clerk at a gas station / truck stop. This was my motto and remains so to this day as a government contractor.


0:41: Who the fuck is Dante talking to here? Does his convenience store boss have a secretary or did he leave his wife home while he jetted off to Vermont?

0:44: ST: You can tell this is one of the last sequences filmed because Scott Mosier appears here without his beard as the dude who wants to buy cigarettes. Although he also appears as Willam with the beard in the same sequence, the only special effect in the film.


0:50: While we're talking about Julie Dwyer's death, here's a helpful infographic conncecting the view askew films: (Note: as I was writing this up I assumed there would be one but unable to find one and I'm too lazy to construct it, just take note that in Mallrats T.S. is indirectly responsible for the death of Julie Dwyer)

0:51: ST: This bit about sucking your own dick is based on the fact that Kevin successfully sucked his own dick to completion in his late teens...It's really sad that I'm aware of that.


0:58: Rick Derris the muscle bound jerk is played by a guy who would normally be getting sand kicked in his face at the beach. ST: The guy who plays Rick Derris, one of Kevin's friends named Ed Hapstak, apparently has a big dick...it's much sadder that I'm aware of that

1:03: Caitlin is I guess attractive but for movies she's downright plain. Of course it's super hard to tell under those early 90s layers.


1:06: Caitlin's eyes are really far apart, like a human muppet.

1:12: ST: You can see Randal check out Caitlin's ass as she's walking away. They dated after making this movie and were briefly married. Once again, it's depressing how much I know about the people involved in this film.


1:12: Little known fact, Dante's sweater was the inspiration for The Cosby Show.


1:13: HOW IN HOLY FUCK can Caitlyn not tell the difference between an ice cold, mid 60s, dead, fat, jewish guy and her 22 year old relatively fit, alive, ex-boyfriend? If he was jerking off on the toilet how did he die in such a way so as to stay on the toilet or fall off to the floor in such a way that he was on his back? So many questions here.

1:21: "There's a million fine looking women in this world but not all of them bring you lasagna at work, most of them just cheat on you." This is poetic shit.


1:22: Veronica says she's going to put the hookers in Times Square to shame. That reference is lost on the youth of today...unless they've been to Guy Fierri's American Bar and Grill.

1:22: I don't know what that means either.

1:24: Quik Stop has a hell of a candy selection. Charleston chew, Skor, Zero, Clark bar. I bet they have Necco Wafers!


1:25: Have any of you ever had a Clark bar? They're disgusting. They're the only candy bar that isn't covered in chocolate. It's like there was some production mishap in 1986 where a ton of product fell of the conveyor belt before the enrober and they decided to put it in a wrapper. We've yet to run through it since they only sell 13 bars annually.


1:26: Zero's are hella good though

1:29: This song is a legit way to close the movie.

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