A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

A Drunken Liveblog of Most of the Rest of the Back to the Future Trilogy

Back to the Future III was a decent movie. Despite my better judgement I went ahead and drunkenly liveblogged it. This is my story.

0:01: Haven't we seen the clocktower scene enough? Lemme guess, Marty comes running around the corner? And they both say “back to the future” for the hundredth time?


0:04: Does Doc not have a bed? Why is he sleeping on a couch and Marty is sleeping in chair? Doc has a mansion and all the bedrooms are filled with useless inventions. American Pickers are ready for a serious honey hole /shudders at the pickers using the term “honey hole”

0:06: Doc just said “back to the future again”, Jesus. If this were the Seinfeld DVD extras I'd have a counter. Gotta be like 12 times right?

0:08: PUV tells me that Doc has two TVs, indicating his vast wealth. It's what we in the business call a callback (to that time when Wayne Arnold mentioned it in the first film) Thanks, PUV!


0:10: Hey guys, it's Jules Verne talk, we haven't heard about him at all to this point and Marty, apparently a good friend of Doc's, seems unaware of this obsession but obviously it's all part of the rich tapestry of Doc Brown, and not at all a contrived plot device.

0:14: Chinamen is not the prefered nomenclature, Dude.

0:18: The biggest problem with this series is that they have a time machine yet constantly give themselves only the smallest margin for error temporally.


0:19: That and the unreasonable acceleration ability of a 4-cylinder Delorean. “Marty for no reason whatsoever let's go from zero to 88 in an enclosed area. I know there's plenty of lone highway but disappearing just in time is key.

0:21: Bears do not live in the desert.

0:22: More head trauma as Marty knocks himself out on the fence.

0:25: When Seamus and Maggie are talking in the other room you can see wire hangers. These were not invented until after 1900. I'm not sure I can take this time traveling movie seriously anymore.


0:27: Every family in Hill Valley has apparently been in the same business for over a hundred years. The manure people (Jones') the horse / car people (Statler's). Did none of these families have a defiant son? “I don't want to be a manure man, DAD!”



0:33: Marty starts choking well before any pressure is applied on the hanging rope. This has bothered me since I was 8 years old.


0:35: PUV tells me there is small tree in front of the courthouse that becomes a mighty oak in the other two films. It's the little things that make it all happen. Thanks, PUV!

0:38: Doc is apparently scientifically skilled enough to know which 1955 parts will replace an ASIC (application specific integrated circuit) and to know how to construct a steam-punk refrigeration device in 1885 but does not posses the ability to produce even a small amount of gasoline from readily available crude oil supplies. Doc's secret shame is that he failed organic chem in college. That and he's super into weird feet stuff.


0:43: I really wish that wagon had burst into flames when it went over the cliff.

0:44: What happened to the old schoolteacher? Did she die of dysentery? Chlamydia? Auto-erotic asphyxiation? Hill Valley has been rudderless educationally for too long.


0:47: Why does Doc make these elaborate models to illustrate relatively simple concepts? Does Marty have some kind of learning disability that he can only understand straightforward plans if non-scale models are involved? If not Doc seems to be spending an inordinate amount of time on models that he could have been spending learning how to refine gasoline.


0:50: The mayor pronounces pleasure as “play-zhure”. What accent is that? It's the same one that goes with “may-zhure” instead of measure. I need to know who is perpetrating these crimes against the American Midwestern English accent.

0:53: PUV tells me that Mary Steenburgen had to dance with a broken ankle at the festival.She's the Ben Roethlisberger of semi-attractive actresses. Thanks, PUV!


0:53: When I was first writing this I thought Mary Steenburgen's last name was Steingarten. Steingarten basically means "beer hall" in German and I made a few jokes about it...way to have a not as easily mocked name, Steenburgen.

0:55: The deputy at the festival reminds me of Porkins from Star Wars. Fat guys with unkempt facial hair make for quality tertiary characters.


1:00: “I do my killin' after breakfast”...badass, Marty, bad...ass.

1:06: Could have done without seeing Michael J. Fox's ass cheek.

1:08: Marty says “back to the future” again. There have been movies where the title is a person's name that haven't been said this much.


1:10: JESUS! He just said it again!

1:14: Clara just used the word mendacity. I don't know that that means.

1:18: Marty just said “back to the future” for like the 5th time this film. I might have to re-watch them all just so I can update these posts with the total.


1:23: I hope that asshole was actually an insult used in 1885. That kind of consistency is rare in insults. “I said good-day!”

1:28: Biff's great grandpa Bufford does not share his propensity for easy knockouts. He was hit by a cast iron stove door, had his head go through a solid stone tombstone...and finally was knocked down via a punch from Marty. The more I think about it, maybe the McFly's have ridiculously hard hands; Jennifer is in for one hell of a wedding night.


1:41: Now there's the spectacular over the top train explosion I was looking for earlier.

1:45: In my experience waking someone up by kissing them does not usually work out the way you'd hope. They usually shake their head and kinda get pissed...Then they scream and ask how you got into their apartment.


1:47: I want cronies that always hoot and holler at my assholish ways. Biff seems to always have them, and now so does Needles. Where do I pick them up?

1:48: Once again...Doc can build a time machine out of 1880s components but can't find J.D. Rockefeller to have a chat about gasoline.


1:51: And a final back to the future utterance. Goddamn. Futurepedia (the Back to the Future wikipedia, because that is obviously necessary), tells me that the phrase is used 19 (!) times in the films. That seems about right.

Well that's it until I go back and hit the first 5/7th of the first film. Don't think I won't . This is the only thing I've been proud of in years.

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