Second in a series on how to recognize the most powerful people in the nation’s most popular sport.

Team: Minnesota Vikings

Owner: Zygi Wilf

Notable For: Stadium extortion and accounting irregularities.

Which Distinguishes Him From: No one around here.

Receiver Of: Wedgies from Harpo, Zeppo, and Gummo.

Team: Green Bay Packers

Owner (claimed): These fucking people.


Owner (actual): These fucking people.


Fan Base: These fucking people.


Summarize Franchise in Three Words: These fucking people.

Team: San Francisco 49ers

Owner: Jed York

Method of Ownership: Acquired franchise by trading his sister Jenna a floppy disk.


Fun Fact: Mom picks out his suits.


Team: Cincinnati Bengals

Owner: Mike Brown

Graduated From: The Jerry Jones Divinity School.

Stays in Shape By: running a mile in tight shoes to chisel widows and orphans out of rent money.


Team: Dallas Cowboys

Owner: Jerry Jones

Date of Birth: October 13, 1942

Date of Death: Precisely three seconds after he is first referred to in print as “a good football man”.


NFL Security Code Name: Ozymandias


Team: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Owner: The Glazers

Beverage of Choice: A Pint of Webster’s

Reason for Ownership: Failed to click the “disambiguation” link on the football Wikipedia page.


Team: New Orleans Saints

Owner: Tom Benson

Beverage of Choice: Formaldehyde

Claim to Fame: once played the spoons on the head of the President of Kyrgyzstan.


Team: Jacksonville Jaguars

Owner: Shahid Khan

Burning Question: Bond Villain or Sidekick?

Burning Substance: Weed