Part Two, Mrs. Erg and the Lizard

If you missed Part One and/or if you're a glutton for punishment, here it is.

This one took a little longer because, although I was involved in the prior incident up to my eyeballs, I was only around for a small part of this one. I also decided, for the sake of the truth, to try to get as much of the other side of the story as I could. Y'all may not be aware, but lizards are highly intelligent and speak our languages well. They just long ago decided that it was pointless to try and continue to interact with beings that are entirely, intensely insane. However, if one knows the right people in government then one can get assistance from some of the few that still keep the lines open, as it were. Disclaimer: Anyone attempting to become privy to the right people in government is likely to receive a package from Drone Express®. So, after following what has become a legend among lizards back for many lizardy generations I have assembled the facts as best as I can. It's up to the readers to parse these stories and make up their own minds as to where the truth lies, heh.

One Side:

Mrs. Erg hates reptiles. Well, mostly lizards and snakes. The only reason she can watchSwamp People is that they don't show many snakes on the show. And just as she handles the roaches I handle the lizards and snakes. Well, the lizards and in theory the snakes but that's a tale for another day. Every year when the weather begins to seriously cool we bring some of her potted plants inside. Of course, we also bring in any critters that we don't notice hanging out in the frangipanis. We were still living in our garage apartment when I came home one day to find my wife gone and a bucket in the the kitchen area with a rather large book on top. We had only been married about a year at this time but I had a good idea what this little tableau meant. But in case I was wrong I waited lest I ruin some...whatever might be happening.


In the fullness of time Mrs. Erg arrived home and informed me that, yes I was correct and there was, in fact, a lizard under the bucket under the book. But there was also something else. It seems that when the filthy, vile, little creature (her words, not mine) scurried across the floor and scared the bejeebus out of her she immediately went into fight mode. Not being willing to use the 'Shoe Box Complete with Separate Top' combo that is my weapon of choice for lizards she went for a distance weapon. So she grabbed a can of foam furniture polish. No, I don't know why. She applied an absolutely huge amount of polish to the invader of her home and then slammed a bucket which happened to be close to hand on top. Fearing that lizards, like ants, might be able to lift many times their weight she added a large book. So, the entirety of what was in our kitchen area was a lizard under foam furniture polish under a bucket under a book. When I armed myself and lifted the bucket all I could see was a large blob of white furniture polish. The lizard shot out, I nabbed him on the first try, and I carried him outside and released him. He was the shiniest damn lizard you ever saw.

If you hold no truck with legends or if, for reasons of your own, you don't trust a lizard as far as you could throw Jason Whitlock then this tale is over. Otherwise, we continue.

Another Side:

The lizard's name was 'Pon My Word I Believe I Will Have Another. Pon for short. He told of how, late one fall, his home tree suddenly rose and began moving, eventually setting down in a warmer place. After waiting a while to make sure the plant had settled down he went to explore his new territory. Actually it was just another part of his old territory but since humans like to put up impediments to warm breezes, blue sky, and glorious rain he had not had occasion to explore this part. He hadn't gone far when:



What the hell? Damn, lady, you scared the bejeebus out of me. I'm just checking out the new digs, calm down, wouldja?



Is that caterwauling really necessary? Wait, are you reaching for a gun? I give up! Oh, furniture polish. Good idea, this p...why are you pointing that thing at me? Do I look like a dootlin' sofa table?


Oh that's just marvelous. Are you happy? Now that I'm completely covered by a mountain of Pledge will you quiet down? Maybe forget you ever saw me? Wait, why did it get darker? Noooooooo! Your damn polish has made me go blind!



Oh. I see. Or would if you hadn't put me in total darkness. Just me and my new friend Foamy. He doesn't move around much but AT LEAST HE'S QUIET. You do realize that company is just as likely to notice whatever you've put down as they would a pile of foam knee high to a human don't you?


There ensues some time passages. A door closes.

Hey! Is that a new person? You're not as bat shit crazy as the last one are you? I mean, I know that the odds are highly in favor of more insanity but a guy's got to have some hope don't he? Hey! Don't believe a word she's saying. She attacked me. Wait, is that light? You're letting go. Such a fine fellow. I'll see my own w...crap. ARE YOU JUST MESSING WITH ME NOW? ADDING SOME MORE HASSLE FACTOR JUST FOR JOLLIES? Hey! Wherever you're carrying me to you could take it a little easier. Wait. IT'S NOT THE TOILET IS IT? Oh. Outside light. Setting me free are you? You're a prince among men. Not that that counts for a lot given the state of humankind, you understand. And good luck with that banshee you're hooked up with. I can tell you from experience that she's got good lungs. Boooorrrrn freeeee!


So Pon went back to familiar paths and for quite a while lizard-wise was quite successful with the lizzies. After all, lizzies dig the sleek and shiny look. But that contained its own sadness. Whenever one of Pon's honies began squealing in pleasure the flashback the sound created sent him into spasms. The females all said it was a most spectacular experience but the episodes erased Pon's memory of the entire event. He spent a lot of time walking around with a feeling of complete satisfaction with absolutely no idea why.

Here end of Part Two, Mrs. Erg and the Lizard. I think I'm going to add a third part to this series of the Erg's experiences with the wild critters of Georgia. This part will be more of a synopsis of a series of events that have happened over four decades but that are all amazingly similar.

Part Three, Mrs. Erg and the Snakes is a tale for another day. I'm fixin' to go have a lie down.