A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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A Proposal To The New York Jets

Illustration for article titled A Proposal To The New York Jets

I watched the Jets play last night. It was a painful experience. I could lie and say that as a fan, I stayed up and watched the entire game. However, judging by what I saw in the first quarter and a half, I decided that I’d go to bed early. I can justify this, as I wake up at 5:00am every day, so hey - I was tired. But this was my team playing, and I just couldn’t watch anymore.


I promised myself years ago that I was done with hyper-fandom. I would never again live and die by my teams. I still adhere to that bit of advice. Now that means I have no qualms about changing the channel every time the Jets suck. However I can’t just leave them in the hour of need, so I am offering a proposal: I offer my services as quarterback.

There is absolutely no reason on God’s green Earth why I should ever play any sport professionally. The most athletic I get anymore is playing multiple rounds of golf. I am of the mind, though, that if you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem. Therefore, I will list all the reasons why I should play quarterback for the New York Jets:

  • I haven’t taken a hit from a defender in 16 years. The last time was when I got nailed in a flag football game. I was playing receiver, but you get the point.
  • I quarterbacked my college intramural team to a 4-2 record and a spot in the playoffs. Once there we got utterly destroyed by a far superior team of actual athletes, but the point is I got us there.
  • I’m a very quick thinker.
  • I’m only one inch shorter than Ryan Fitzpatrick.
  • My name is not any combination of the following names: Ryan, Fitzpatrick, Geno, Smith, Bryce, Petty, Christian, Hackenberg, Same, Sad, Echo.
  • My upside is limitless.

Now as a counterpoint, reasons why there is no way in Hell I should play quarterback for the New York Jets:

  • I’m woefully out of shape.
  • I have very little desire to play any sport besides golf.
  • I get winded easily.
  • The whole ADD thing.
  • I’m sure there are many more highly qualified athletes available.
  • My downside is limitless.

So there you have it. I have proposed a solution to solve the quarterback problem for the New York Jets. I’m not going to say that it’s the worst suggestion in the world, but I’m not not going to say it either. So New York Jets personnel, especially the General Manager, if you’re reading this and you want to take a chance on a guy who in NO way should be your quarterback, give me a call. I work cheap. Hell, I’ll work for beer.

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