Most media outlets appear content to cover the developing Aaron Hernandez murder allegations by highlighting only the most salacious and superficial facts. Not so, here at Sidespin. For the benefit of our readership, we present to you below, the most complete timeline of Aaron Hernandez’s life available on the Internet.

November 6, 1989: Terri Hernandez gives birth to Aaron Hernandez in Bristol, Conn. According to hospital records, the newborn is a strapping 8 lbs, 4 ounces, with dark brown hair, brown eyes, and 14 tattoos covering his arms and stomach.

October 11, 1991: During a routine cleaning of Hernandez’s crib, his mother uncovers a hidden cache of pacifiers, two unopened jars of Gerber’s mashed peaches, and a crude shiv apparently carved from a piece of Hernandez’s Thomas the Tank Engine.

May 3, 1995: Hernandez is sent home from elementary school after fighting with a classmate.


May 5, 1995: The young Hernandez is forced to encounter death for the first time, when the body of his elementary school principal is mysteriously found in a ditch near Hernandez’s home.

November 6, 1999: Hernandez’s mother throws him a 10th birthday party at his local Chuck E. Cheese’s, featuring pizza, soda, birthday cake, and video games. Unfortunately, the evening is marred when Hernandez is accused of punching a strip club bouncer during the after-party.


June 14, 2001: Eleven-year old Hernandez goes on his first date. The relationship ends shortly thereafter, when his girlfriend is forced to relocate to Hollywood to film the movie, What a Girl Wants.

September 11, 2001: Hernandez watches live as 3,000 Americans perish in a vicious assault on their home. Shortly thereafter, things get even worse for young Hernandez, when he hears about the attack on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon.


August 12, 2003: Hernandez has his first high school reception called back after he jumps the snap, and four members of the opposing team.

November 12, 2005: The 16-year old Hernandez achieves a major life milestone when he receives his first driver’s license.


November 13, 2005: The owner of the license, local college student Al Yglesias, suddenly realizes his wallet is missing.

August 1, 2006: Hernandez decides to joins the Florida Gators football team after he misunderstands quarterback Tim Tebow’s willingness to “teach him all about the canon.”


October 4, 2007: Hernandez is suspended for three games after confessing to coach Urban Meyer that he had smoked marijuana, along with four guys outside a nightclub.

April 24, 2010: Hernandez is drafted in the fourth round (113th overall) by the New England Patriots. Hernandez celebrates by popping the cap on a bottle of Dom Perignon, and later in the ass of four guys outside a nightclub.


June 26, 2013: Hernandez is arrested and charged with the murder of Odin Lloyd, a semipro football player who dated the sister of Hernandez’s girlfriend. A handwriting analysis subsequently confirms that Hernandez was the author of the letters commonly attributed to “The Zodiac Killer.”

July 4, 2013: Daniel Roberts compiles a fictional timeline of Aaron Hernandez’s life.


July 5, 2013: The body of Daniel Roberts is discovered stuffed in a dumpster outside Amanda Bynes’s apartment.