A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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App Dating is Killing My Soul: I'm Eskimo brothers with an NBA All Star, a Cy Young Winner, and a Dog

Illustration for article titled App Dating is Killing My Soul: Im Eskimo brothers with an NBA All Star, a Cy Young Winner, and a Dog

Editors note: I hesitated to publish this before but it’ll be removed anyway and the truth is a rock solid defense for libel. Some details have been changed to avoid doxxing the innocent. Note that this post also includes sports content.


I gained these ignominious feats from three different women. For the uninitiated, you are considered Eskimo brothers when you’ve had sex with the same woman as someone else. The term was popularized by the sitcom The League, but I suppose now it should be re-dubbed “Indigenous People’s Siblings”.

Regardless, we’ll start with Greinke. He stems from Rich Girl, who I’ll devote some more time to in the future. She came from money and a prominent political family. She was very interested in finding a spouse at the advice of her counsel so that she could start running for office. We chatted for a bit, hit it off, and I drove off to meet her. I thought I hit the jackpot: gorgeous, payed for everything, and somehow found me charming. We dated for about a month during which time she shared with me that she lost her virginity to Zack Greinke while they were both in high school (Hi, Zack! Hope you know who I’m talking about). We remain friendly unless she sees this.


Number two was a friend of Rich Girl who I’ll dub Rich Girl’s Friend, since I don’t have a good identifier. Rich Girl and I had a semi-undefined relationship and one night I went home with her friend. She had went to Duke as an athlete so knew a bunch of the basketball guys including J.J. Reddick. She reconnected a bit with him later and when J.J. was draining three’s in the hole in Orlando he was also draining Ds in the hole and RGF was one of them. Never saw her again.

Okay, main event, The Dog Fucker (DF). She...um...well...she fucked a dog. Or more accurately it fucked her. I know the dog. We remain friendly.

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