When my father comes to visit his grandchildren (and his dipshit son), a few inescapable traditions occur: a round of golf will be played, we try and name every starting Quarterback for the Cardinals since 1988, we always forget that Dave Fucking Krieg started all 16 games in 1995 and we drink Bloody Mary's. On his most recent trip, we made a small refinement to the family recipe that I'd like to share with you, dear reader (also, I wanted to record the recipe somewhere on the Internet because I'm lazy and lose pieces of paper adorned with my awful handwriting quite frequently).

* DISCLAIMER FOR CANADIANS: Yes, I know the following is a recipe for a Bloody Caesar. I don't give a shit what you call it. I'm calling it a Bloody Mary.

In a large pitcher, combine:

- 3 parts Clamato

- 1 part vodka (Tito's Handmade is ideal - no need for Dr. Belvedere)

- 1 tbsp A1

- 1/2 tsp Worcestershire

- 4 tsp Dijon mustard (yes, really)

- 1 tbsp Sriracha (this is the latest modification - alternatively, use 2 tsp Tabasco if you're a wet blanket)


- Celery salt and fresh ground black pepper to taste

- 1/2 lemon, squeezed

Serve over ice in a large tumbler. If you're looking to impress, garnish with a long green bean, asparagus, or whatever you have lying around. If someone asks for a celery stalk, kindly ask them to leave the premises.