There will come a day when our earth is a barren hellscape of nuclear radiation. Small criminal contingents will rule the wastelands. Houses, condos and apartments will be destroyed and obsolete. Mobility will be king, and the mobile home will be its queen.
Since these biblical days are AT LEAST 4-5 years away, right now, our American RV’s and party buses, serve an altogether different purpose. Some of them spend their lives in care of a 70 year old retiree, who has dreams of leaving Lake Buena Vista to drag his wife cross country at 38 MPH. Others, wind up as homes for vagabonds, drifters, and out of work uncles. But most are commissioned to become rentals, and the life of a rental RV is one of tremendous pain. They are piloted by angry dads in Tevas who convince their families that flying to the Grand Tetons takes away from the experience. Or more often, the rental RV is used by a group of 20-somethings at a music festival, a fuck-wagon for 4 day Molly benders.
But there are a few RVs and party buses that find a different fate. The ones that lady luck stares up and down and deems worthy. And those vehicles, become party wagons at NFL tailgates. They can start their lives as anything, travel trailers, motor homes, camper vans, or short buses But one thing is for certain, the NFL tailgate wagon will become a highly concentrated party machine, that supplies good times, great memories, and a constant stream of thick, acrid black smoke.
Luckily, with our ever connected world, I was able to round up the best NFL Tailgate wagons available for purchase on Craigslist. No longer will we merely dream about supporting our team in a short bus designed for mentally disabled children, the party will become a reality.
Wagon #1 “The Lucas Oil Burner”
Craigslist Description: 1993 Chevy Converted Colts Bus Do NOT need a special license to drive Automatic Transmission Takes unleaded fuel Cruise Control, Two custom horns, Entertainment Pole Bar w/mini fridge, Built in cupholders for every seat, Seats 24 + Driver, Professional custom paint job, Professional custom upholstered seat, $9k
Right off the bat I’m interested. When I first started looking at these party wagons, I had one major concern, PAPERWORK. I’m fine paying a strange man I met over the internet 8,000 dollars in cash to take his custom built school bus, but I’ll be damned if I have to get a special license to operate it. This is America, dammit! I’m already ruffled up about having to get a license plate for this bad boy. I passed my drivers test over a decade ago, so with that much experience on my hands, I think it stands to reason that I could whip around a 35’ school bus no problem.
Wait what’s this little nugget?
I’ll be honest. When I read in the description that this bus had an “Entertainment pole”, I was naive and thought it came with a pole to hang entertainment off, like a pinata. But low and behold, it has the holy grail of any party, the loosely installed stripper pole. Every stripper pole gets installed with the mindset that women will be drawn to it like moths to a flame, but in reality the stripper pole plays out much differently. There are 3 scenarios in which a stripped pole gets used.
- I drink too much Rumple Minz and try to do that upside down slide move.
- The fattest guy in the group jumps on it and rips it from the ceiling (This comes with a 50% chance of a bystander getting their clavicle broken)
- A hot girl gets on it but she is so fucked up that everyone feels weird about watching her. Well, except Kurt. Get away from her, Kurt.
I can’t say for certain if this stripper pole is a good addition to this party bus, but I bet one time, there was this crazy hot chick and she was THIS close to getting on it.
Wagon #2 “Mad Max: Beyond Jamarcus”
Craigslist Description: Ultimate Raider Tail Gate RV. I was going to add some Raider decals but have not got to it. Ran out of money. My loss is your gain. You will be the king of Oakland tailgating with this beast. If you are a true Raider fan and a member of the OG Raider Nation, show your pride with this bad boy. Runs strong, 440 motor, No leaks, No mold, good interior. Needs some minor finishing, no major issues. NO SMOG!!!!
There is no fucking way this thing is street legal. The front is just a wall of chrome. If you sat in front of this for 20 minutes you would be burnt alive. You know how it’s really annoying when someone leaves their high beams on? Well imagine instead of high beams, someone could harness 98% of the suns lethal killing power and shine it directly in your eyes.
The seller notes that they were going to throw on some decals but ran out of money. I feel for the guy. To never see your dreams come to fruition because YOU SPENT ALL YOUR FUCKING MONEY ON CHROME. I can’t even imagine the unmitigated disaster the budget became that they couldn’t afford a single $30 decal.
“Well our trip to the chrome depot set us back pretty good...looks like the family won’t be getting leather codpieces for the game after all”
Now that I look at the side view, I’m not entirely sure this is even a real RV. I think it’s just a 2D cardboard cutout. When you show up the guy will distract you and insist you ONLY look at it from the side. “AIN’T SHE A BEAUT!” Then he’ll bludgeon you to death with a chrome fender and steal your pants.
The best thing about this RV is that according to the seller, it will make us “The king of Oakland tailgating.” This is huge. I’m not entirely sure how the bloodlines of royalty work in Oakland, but if people will swear fealty to me for buying an RV, I’m all in baby. Just imagine commanding that legion of black magic and doom. An army of men and women that look like they dressed themselves entirely from things they found on the ground at a KISS concert. I will need at least 8 of them to constantly be scrubbing my 30 square feet of chrome.
Wagon #3 “The Land of 10,000 Failed Brakes”
Craigslist Description: 1986 Vikings party bus rv plates fresh tune up plugs wires oil change battery terminals good tires
You know those horrific sounding posts you see on the internet? “Motorcyclist’s head flies off and kills elderly woman”. I always click on those and regret them. The image gets burned into my mind and I spend the rest of the week in a tortured struggle to get rid of it. That’s how I feel about this RV. I wish I had never seen it. This is the single saddest image I have ever seen in my entire life. The frost covered windows, the desolate tundra. Remember how sad it was when Brett Favre got hurt and ended his consecutive games streak? And then Joe Webb started the next game and people had a lot of deranged hope for him? Then he was (obviously) a fucking disaster? This is that game in RV form.
I’m writing this in a 72 degree house with a sweatshirt on, but when I look at these pictures, my breath becomes visible and I start shaking uncontrollably. Is that what it’s like in Minnesota? Why the fuck do people stay there? We need to help them leave. We need to give them maps.
Full disclosure, I’m not a Vikings fan, but that doesn’t seem like an officially licensed logo on the side of the RV. It looks like the logo of a team in a movie that didn’t get NFL rights so they have mismatched colors and a shitty name like “The Detroit Admirals”. I guess it’s a savvy play by the owner of this RV. When you already have several violent priors, it’s probably a bad idea to call further attention to yourself with copyright infringement.
FUCK IT. PAINT THE FLOORS PURPLE TOO. WE’VE COME THIS FAR. Why not just dunk this whole thing in a vat of purple blood and then make all your friends wear grimace costumes every time they come to a game. Once this whole thing is swathed in purple we can REALLY get down to brass tax about what weapons to hit toddlers with.
“Well I just slap mine with a greased up pool noodle. Doesn’t leave a mark, and I can still use the noodle 3 days a year during pool season”
My only hope with this RV is that it runs and runs strong. If the power cuts out on this thing for more than 20 minutes, the tailgate turns int a Donner party scenario and you have to eat your friend in the Tavaris Jackson jersey.
Wagon #4 “The Hold Your FRIGGIN’ GOT DAMN Piss-Mobile”
Craigslist Description: 1985 TAILGATE CAMPER. Well used for 15 years at Giants games. Runs good, generator and fridge work. There is NO bathroom. Two tables four bench seats. IT NEEDS BODY WORK FIXER UP SPECIAL. This vechicle is only recommended for tailgating.
There is no bathroom? That’s pure madness. Let’s list out the 5 most important things in a tailgating vehicle.
- Place to piss without getting arrested for sexual crimes
- Place to expel undercooked meat diarrhea
- Room to discretely puke in
- J/O Closet.
- Emergency drinking fountain
Low and behold a bathroom fulfills all of these needs. What in god’s name are these people thinking. I hope someone has at least lobbied to carve a hole in the floor of the RV. Oh fuck. I bet they just use a bucket. I can already smell the bucket. They try not to let it slosh but it sloshes. Who the fuck are these maniacs.
Who owns this thing? Well funny you should ask. Apparently these maniacs are “Frank, Ray, Gene, Carey and Ron.” Calling them proprietors seems like a stretch, but when you’re talking about a $2,000 automobile, that’s a nice $400 stake they each have.
The good news is that whoever buys this RV probably won’t even have to scratch off those names. I think those are like 5 out of the 7 names available for middle aged men in North Jersey.
All in all, there is an extraordinary amount of pride in this vehicle considering the bathroom situation. I’d wager this thing is the talk of the town come football season. “So me and couple buddies, we went in on this rig. Now it ain’t got a bathroom so we all gotta jack it in plain sight, but boy she purrs when you get her up to 18”.
I’m probably being a little harsh on Frank, Ray, Gene, Carey and Ron. Maybe the interior makes up for the fact that the RV is decorated in kid’s stickers and you have to pee out the back window. Let’s take a look.
Alright, so turns out I was wrong and this is fifty times worse than the outside. It looks like the guy from “A Beautiful Mind” decorated the unabombers cabin. I can kinda make out a table, a bench, and an oven, but beyond that I got nothing. It’s just a mess of fucking pictures. Are these all people they are planning to kill? I bet it was all Gene’s idea. That guy is a lunatic and they should have voted against his proprietor status from day one.
When you are reselling anything, one of the cardinal rules is to make sure its heavily modified, with deep personal roots. It is a well known fact that buyers appreciate the “warmth” of a well worn in vehicle.
The seller leaves us with one final note-
This vechicle is only recommended for tailgating.
You hear that, guys? No matter what, we should only use this thing for tailgating. Yeah I know it seems perfect for christenings, but we gotta stick to the plan. We can only use this murder bus as God, Frank, Ray, Gene*, Carey and Ron intended it. Fuck Ron.
Wagon #5 “Fleur-De-We’re all gonna fucking die”
Craigslist Description: Saints decorated trailer inside and out for sale Cheap!!! Must go soon
I’m not really sure what I’m looking at. I can make out some black and gold stripes, the Saints logo, a cinder block and some grass. I think there is a Radio Flyer wheel welded to the back of the trailer as well. Mobility is key.
If you hired a medium to touch this thing, the sexual violence this trailer has facilitated would throw their body 400 feet. This trailer was the scene of multiple crimes. That’s just a fact. For $600 you would essentially be towing home key evidence in over a dozen murders.
This looks like the last thing they would show on “True Detective” before they cut to black and then you had to wait for next week’s episode. The RV would be the subject of wild fan theories for the entire week
“I heard Matthew Mcconaughey gets exposed to poison gas inside the RV and has to pee on his shirt and eat it to survive!”
“I bet the whole thing is stuffed with blood and when they open it, the whole town gets airborne hepatitis!”
“My cousin is a writer on the show, and he said that when they go in the trailer on the show, your lights flicker in real life!”
This is a very bad exterior. If your favorite character in a movie was walking towards this trailer you would stand up out of your seat and scream while shooting the projector with a revolver.
I don’t want to look at the pictures of the interior. I really don’t want to see what the inside looks like.
AHHH! SHIT! It lived up to my expectations!
Most people do a really bad job taking pictures of their RV interior, but this just goes to a new level. This looks like it was taken with a Nikon the guy found in a marsh behind a cemetary. You probably can’t even pass through the forcefield to get in this thing unless you are holding an old skull and a fistful of goat hair.
Visible in this picture is 1. A space heater 2. An oven 3. A giant red (candle?). I don’t know what it all means, but they must have wanted to get something REALLY hot. Must have been a body. Gotta liquefy the body, right? The perfect crime.
This RV has not been to a Saints game since Aaron Brooks was QB bare minimum, but my money is on the Archie Manning dynasty. $600 seems expensive for the RV but the guy says that it must go soon. That’s code for willing to negotiate. You could probably sweet talk this bad boy down to $500-$525. After you close the deal on this thing, you just have to borrow an Apache Helicopter to to pull it out of the haunted swamp. A true bargain.
Well. There we have it. The glamorous offerings of Craigslist and its party wagons. They aren’t always the belle of the ball but man do they get the job done.
The Native Americans had teepees for tailgating, Colonial America got black out drunk in Conestoga Wagons, but we have our own steeds, our own putrid roving sex wagons, and for the tailgating RV, we should be forever grateful.