A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

The other day, a friend of mine who's currently in treatment for anorexia, posted a link to her Facebook titled "5 Reasons to Date a Girl With an Eating Disorder." I rolled my eyes a bit but clicked the link anyway, expecting to be redirected to Buzzfeed or some sort of recovery support site. What I got instead was Return of Kings, which styles itself "a blog for heterosexual, masculine men." (Women and homosexuals are prohibited from commenting, in case you were wondering.)

Surely this is a parody site, I thought. This cannot possibly be real.

It's real. And now, in honor of #InternationalMensDay (yesterday, in case you didn't know), I'm going to step outside the woman box for a few moments and take you through the Community Beliefs of the most oppressed minority on the internet!


1. Men and women are genetically different, both physically and mentally. Sex roles evolved in all mammals. Humans are not exempt.

Okay, I guess. I'm not very science inclined, but I'll definitely accept that XY and XX are not the same. Not so sure about mentally, though. It's probably just because I'm a woman.

2. Women are sluts if they sleep around, but men are not. This fact is due to the biological differences between men and women.

Well, I'm pretty sure that it's actually just because of differences in terminology. But please, do continue.


3. Men will opt out of monogamy and reproduction if there are no incentives to engage in them.

So the differences between men and women are all because of biology and evolution, right? Doesn't that mean that men do want to reproduce? If sex isn't for reproduction, then aren't men who sleep around also sluts? I have so many questions.


4. Past traditions and rituals that evolved alongside humanity served a net benefit to the family unit.

But you just said that men will opt out of monogamy and reproduction...if there's no marriage, how can there be a family unit?


5. Testosterone is the biological cause for masculinity. Environmental changes that reduce the hormone's concentration in men will cause them to be weaker and more feminine.

Here we're defining masculinity as sex drive, right? I wish you'd tell me what "feminine" and "masculine" mean, my feeble woman mind is really becoming confused by your inconsistent definitions and use of "science."


6. A woman's value is mainly determined by her fertility and beauty. A man's value is mainly determined by his resources, intellect, and character.

Yes, but can fertility and beauty make you a sandwich? Do you even know what a sandwich is? Exactly.


7. Elimination of traditional gender roles and the promotion of unlimited mating choice in women unleashes their promiscuity and other negative behaviors that block family formation.

So all women are secret sluts, and the only thing keeping us from being sluts is traditional gender roles. BUT men want to bang all the ladies and never get married. So I should...never have sex, ever, but also only make babies? Okay. I think I follow.


8. Socialism, feminism, and cultural Marxism cause societies to decline because they destroy the family unit, decrease the fertility rate, and require large entitlements that impoverish the state

Thanks, Obama.

And there you have it, folks. I could be wrong, but it really seems like these guys might be onto something.


BatmansRobyn is Sidespin's authority on all things sandwich-related. She is currently barefoot, and probably needs to get back in the kitchen already.

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