Sometime-friend of Sidespin Jeb Lund — previously assumed African dictator, warlord, and bestie of Dick Nixon — is nothing if not prolific, gauche, beautiful and jaw-droppingly eloquent. And so it should come as no surprise that Lund has had quite a year for himself, and his applauding fans have grown effusive with praise. Let’s review some of Jeb’s high points over the last twelve or so months.
Contributor at Reason
Lund’s word-smithing and hard-right fiscal leanings dually landed him a gig at Reason dot com, a no-nonsense, up-by-your-bootstraps rag that’s a little too into marijuana legalization, if you ask me. But I guess you gotta be smoking something if you can safely posit the existence of Adam Smith’s invisible hand careening rough-shod over market regulations!
House of Representatives Majority Leader
What’s a new beacon of Libertarian blogging to do with his liberty erection? Why, go fuck American democracy back to where the Founders intended it. Tea Party darling that he is, Lund found time between free market screeds to head up the witchiest legislative body in history, only to boondoggle finding out why Obama bombed Benghazi with gay sex balloons and then gave all of the African continent free healthcare on the taxpayer dime. Win some, lose some.
Editor-in-Chief at Grantland
With Bill Simmons’ sudden shit-canning from Grantland, the Teen Wolf fan site needed a strong hand to helm the steering wheel of that gangrenous corpse. And who better than House-majority leader and erstwhile contributor to Reason, Jeb Lund? Following the announcement, Lund intoned, “I would have run that Dr. V story every day for a year. Sensitivities to the LGBTQ community are for the losers and the haters. So lose on, losers, and hate on, haters.”
Got Totally, Super Fuckin’ Baked at CPAC
And won a straw poll, to boot!
Swore to Take a Bullet for the President of the United States of America
In making a water-tight argument for copious federal spending, the government agreed to bring on Jeb for the very important task of herding the President’s security detail across all four hemispheres of the planet Earth. This may strike us as a bit odd, insofar as Lund was banned from all of South America except for Belize back in 2001, but telecommuting management for the most lethal group of suits in the world is well within the capabilities of modern technology.
Joined a Jointly-Joker-and-Misfits-Themed Cover Band While Shirtless and Bleaching His Shower (?)
As one does.
Fired A Handgun Into George Zimmerman’s Windshield
Acerbic, salty, and malcontent, Lund found himself pursuing George Zimmerman in midday traffic earlier this summer, and for the very noble reason that Zimmerman is a rat-fucking, racist, fat-headed, murdering, gun-humper, Jeb decided to unload some firepower on old George’s freedom-mobile. Good on you, Jeb, even if you’re now facing attempted manslaughter charges.
So, congratulations @Mobute on your stellar year, and here’s to twelve more months of well-deserved accolades.