On a site that shall go nameless, an editor in chief that shall go nameless, suggested that it is unfair for people to draw a direct causal link between the seemingly-minor monkeyshines of a teenager and the commission of cold-blooded murder. As I understand this unnamed man's hypothesis - if it can even be described as such - it is that literally millions of American teenagers experiment with drugs, get in scrapes while under the influence of alcohol, and occasionally get tattoos they are sure to regret later in life, and that the overwhelming majority - and I mean, like, 99.99999999999999% - of these individuals will not go on to commit a serious violent felony later in life. All I have to say is, malarky.
I read somewhere that it's 2013. It's time to grow up and admit what we've always known but never wanted to admit: people who goof off in school, who smoke dope when they should be studying, who go to parties, drink too much and get into fights, anyone else who seems to be more popular than you and get away with the stuff you wish you could do but never had the guts to try — these people are all vicious, soulless killers.
The evidence is all around us. Snoop Dogg smokes weed. Snoop Dogg was charged with murder. The hippies? Those supposedly free-wheeling, peace-loving, dope-smoking, slackers committed their teenage years to engaging in seemingly-harmless fun, and what happened? They ended up pulling guns out only to get stabbed by a tattooed Hells Angel at Altamont. And it goes all the way to the top: President Barack Obama admits he smoked some weed as a high-school athlete and I've read online that he authorized a drone hit squad to target everyday Americans.
Let's stop pretending. Dillweeds are invariably killers. Channing Tatum? Killer. John Wall? Killer. That dude who used to edit Deadspin? Oh yeah, definitely a cold-blooded killer, associated with literally countless unprovoked neck-snappings. That tattooed Backstreet Boy who went to rehab, who my ex-girlfriend used to worship even though I can sing the complete works of Jon Secada? A killer (and not just on the dance floor).
Grow up, America. It's time to admit that all Dillweeds are guilty. Because, if we don't, in the words of the Bible, "condemn everyone who has ever sinned without the hope of any of them ever achieving redemption," then we too are doomed to follow the path of the Bible's great villains - the Romans, clearly the most Dillweed of any empire in history - into utter oblivion. Let's try to be more like the heroes of the Bible and less like these punk athletes, most of whom grew up without a father figure in their lives, spoke out a little too freely, got into trouble with the law, and who might, like Aaron Hernandez, wind up in custody and even facing capital punishment while they are still young men. Because, if we're not consistent on this point, we might all sound like a bunch of Dillweeds.