A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

"That mock draft hurt my vertical."

"DraftExpress ran over my mother and killed her."

"Sam Vecenie bludgeoned my dog."

These are all statements that are not true.

But... some people might have you think that mock drafts slaughter baby seals:


Mike DeCourcy weighs in here with a strong take. Especially, since (1) mock drafts are fun; (2) they are not ridiculous and pointless; (3) I have never suffered a single injury or knife wound from mock drafts. Once, the fingernail under my middle finger hurt from using my mouse. Turns out it was a paper cut, so again not mock draft-related. I think we can safely say that mock drafts do not cause injury.

Mike, however, would not be stopped. He dropped an opinion piece on how mock drafts hystorectomize female puppies during March of last year. Let's FJM this bitch (RIP FJM).

Apparently, Juan Pablo is a bad guy. This is something I discovered watching the first few minutes of "Access Hollywood," after Brian Williams signed off the most recent edition of the "NBC Nightly News." Juan Pablo starred in the latest edition of "The Bachelor," and he chose not to tell the lovely blond to whom he handed the final rose that he loves her. This apparently makes him a treacherous lout.


Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! He didn't tell her he loves her? I mean, why do we even watch reality TV if we're not here to watch idiots vapidly promise to love each other?

Wait. Didn't I come here to read about the NBA dr...

Learning about all of this was genuinely wonderful, because it meant I finally encountered something I care less about this month than Doug McDermott's NBA draft stock.


[tires come to a screeching halt]

We've ascertained something here about the author: Mike likes to watch Access Hollywood to learn inane details so as prioritize his life concerns. Did you know: he watches Ally McBeal reruns to discern how much he truly hates folding socks and tuning in to C-SPAN to figure out how much he hates mulching his Verbena? He does.

The most dreadful college basketball game in March is more entertaining than any draft in any league, because it involves athletes actually competing and doing athletic things and not just a bunch of guys sitting in suits and waiting to hear their names called.



Though, could you see how the NBA draft might appeal to folks that love basketball? They might like to see the players from their favorite schools receive accolades from NBA folks.


Also, have you watched the Bachelorette? That show features guys sitting in suits and waiting to hear their names called. WHOOPS! Of course you haven't. You were grouting the area around the tub.

When you were sitting there on your couch in 1984 or 1985 and watching the draft unfold during the afternoon—no, it wasn't always a primetime extravaganza


It wasn't?

[hops rides black and white Shetland pony back to 1984]


you were seeing players enter the league who were accomplished, mature and well-trained enough to make a substantial impact on the league, and probably to make it early.


Guys like Sam Bowie! Lancaster Gordon! Kenny Green!

Sorry, that's dishonest: I'm cherry-picking the lemons from that draft. What kind of asshole cherry-picks their results to make a point?

The mock-draft culture has seized control of too much of the process, with becoming better at the game and building a lasting professional career mattering far less to far too many people than tricking the league's scouts into thinking you can play.


College basketball recruit: [scores 25 ppg at Kentucky]

Scout: "oh he's going to be good"

College basketball recruit: [dunks while blowing candles out on a birthday cake with his anus]


Scout: "wowwwiiieieee" [eyes pop out of skull]

College basketball recruit: [turns out to be Ann Davis]

Also, Mike totally fails to realize that prospects are surrounded by people with that likely possess either bad information (clueless family members) or incentives to keep them around (Jim Boeheim). Mock drafts add information on which to base his decision How does this hurt the recruit? The trusted makers of mock drafts have literally no incentive to artificially inflate some dude for no reason. They have every reason to get it right.

Seven of the first 11 players in the '84 draft scored more than 10,000 career points, and six topped 15,000. John Stockton was taken at No. 16. In '85, it was six of the first 10 again going on to join the 10,000-point club, with Karl Malone going 13th, Joe Dumars 18th and Terry Porter 24th. We don't see drafts like that anymore because young players have been convinced that time spent on the way to the league is wasted.


Wait a sec here, Mike, you wouldn't be cherry-picking your results would you? No? I mean, just look at the 1986 draft....

[takes a massive Len Bias-sized line of cocaine up the nostrils]

No, never mind. I trust you.

[hangs out with Roy Tarpley, takes several pipe hits]

We are totally cool, Mikearooni. These guys are waaayyy mature. Thank god they weren't harmed by any malicious mock drafts.

The player taken first overall in last year's draft is averaging 4.1 points. At that rate, Anthony Bennett will cross the 10,000-point mark in late February or early March of the year 2062.


Anthony Bennett! You're totally right! Here's a guy that was completely misled by mock drafts. He should've stayed in school. All the mock drafts had him as the number 1 pick.

[checks all the mock drafts]

Oh! No one did! What about Chad Ford? He did until recently. Now, he's revised his revisions and he didn't.


So he ignored them and went first overall, getting a huge paycheck for himself? MOCK DRAFTS MUST BE STOPPED.

Nearly all of last year's draft picks have disappeared into inconsequence. Only six of last year's 30 first-rounders are averaging more than 6.0 points per game.


Adam Silver: "Only six are averaging more than 6 PPG? Execute the rest. With a spoon."

This is March. This is not a time to be concerned about draft stock. This is a time to grab a bracket and your choice of beverage and enjoy the greatest sports month on the calendar.


I agree wholeheartedly. The players should wait until the season is complete to make their decisions. According to the rule book, they have 243 whole seconds to decide whether to give up their collegiate eligibility. Thanks, NCAA. You're the best.

In a few months, some of the players involved in these activities will walk across an instant stage, shake hands with someone much shorter than they, put on ballcaps that do not match their suits and then talk about how they'll fit in with teams that may or may not trade their rights before the evening is up.

You'd rather watch that? I suppose there's no accounting for taste, or else 10 million Americans would not already know who this Juan Pablo dolt happens to be.


"Mike, why are you holding a gun to my head telling me to choose between an event that occurs in March or an event in late June, when literally no other basketball is on? Also, why are you wearing pink underpants and clown shoes?"

"Did you know that your ballcap doesn't even match your suit?"

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