It's been a while since I've taken our friend Craig Schaller to task over anything, but in his latest "column", he's more or less called me out, so what am I left to do but exercise my right to free speech?

On to Craig's magnum opus:


Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.


Our society is changing.

Yes, Craig, it is, and society would prefer you not to peer through the window to get a better look at it.

Many people would say it is changing for the better. We no longer tolerate racism, sexism, homophobia or anti-gay people, ethno-centrism or extremely religious Christian zealots. Anyone who outspokenly exhibits any of these traits or beliefs are immediately branded, raked over the coals and shunned.

I'm pretty sure branding someone and then raking them over the coals is kind of the opposite of being shunned, but whatever. Why worry about such niceties when the greater problem is that were living in a world were racism, sexism, and homophobia are condemned? PRIORITIES, PEOPLE


The current political correctness in our American society has made everything so much better, hasn't it?. Everyone better watch their P's and Q's, fall in line with the rest of the mindless drones who don't have any opinion, or if they do—do NOT express it publicly.

Yes, I'm glad that everyone believes the same things these days. If there's one thing I've noticed, and in American society and politics in particular, is that there are no divergent viewpoints and debate has been all but stifled recently.


The lines have been drawn. Certain people have found out what happens when you cross them. Marge Schott, Jimmy the Greek, Al Campanis, Rush Limbaugh were busted for crossing that line over the past two decades. More recently, Paula Deen, myself, and now Phil Robertson have stepped over that line and got whacked.

Well, Craig, you've certainly picked some great company for yourself. Honestly, though, who isn't sick of this politically correct world where you can't simply categorize all blacks as "bred to be athletes", "incapable of managing a baseball team" or, as the ever-eloquent Ms. Schott was known to publicly and repeatedly state, "niggers."


All those names above had the courage, and in most cases, either stupidity or ignorance, to say something that they believed, or was their opinion.




[no, seriously, re-reads again]

[blacks out]

[hits head on desk]


[still can't fathom something this stupid]

Yes, Craig, if there's any word that I'd choose to tie together Marge Schott, Jimmy the Greek, Rush Limbaugh, and Al Campanis (to say nothing of you), it's "courageous". It takes real guts to stand up as a multi-millionaire and shout racial slurs.


They also all had the mistaken belief that they were living in a free country, with an established amendment to the country's constitution providing freedom of speech and freedom of the press.

Actually, Craig, they weren't mistaken. They DID live in that country. You, on the other hand, live in the great state of Delusion.


It is therefore my belief that it is time to repeal that amendment.

I might agree with you, Craig, but for vastly different reasons. I think free speech might be too expensive for your tastes.


The first amendment gives ALL Americans the right to free speech, freedom of the press, freedom of religion, as well as the right to assemble, protest and petition the government.

Yes, it's been said, a million times before. No, it doesn't need to be said again. Yes, it will be said again. THE FIRST AMENDMENT DOES NOT GRANT YOU FREEDOM FROM CONSEQUENCES TO YOUR SPEECH, YOU IGNORANT DIPSHIT. Oh, wait, I forgot, you're writing this book from prison, just like one of your heroes (hint: I'm not talking about the apostle Paul).


—Phil Robertson recently proved once again that we don't have free speech.

No, Craig. No, he didn't. The fact that Phil Robertson is a free man, able to walk the streets and seduce ducks and whatever the hell else he does proves that in fact your precious amendment works as promised.


—There hasn't been a newspaper in the country who has written anything bad about Obama in six years.

Well, Craig, now you're just out-and-out lying. But, let's see:

December 20, 2013

June 6, 2013 (admittedly from the pretty right-wing New York Times)

May 1, 2010 (again from that same righty rag, I know)

Now, admittedly, it took me a solid two minutes of searching to find those three articles and link them into the text and type it out, so as you can see the press in the US is pretty much stifled.


—School districts have removed the pledge of allegiance from most school's because it has the word God in it, and God has been taken out of most government buildings. schools and businesses.

My favourite part is how they now change American currency every year to say "In [current American Idol winner] We Trust".


—Finally, it seems any time anyone protests the policies of the current administration in Washington, the national guard gets called in.

Here, Craig is demonstrating the time-honoured rhetorical flourish referred to by Cicero as "making shit up, I guess."


No, most of those freedoms and rights in that stupid ol' first amendment have about as much meaning as a Will Ferrell movie, so lets just get rid of it!

Here, Craig uses the time-honoured rhetorical flourish known as "look at my shelf to try to come up with a simile".


In case you haven't heard about Phil Robertson, well, join the club. I had never heard of the guy until a few days ago, when something he said in a GQ magazine interview lit up twitter, news channels and social media feeds like a Christmas tree.

It's funny that in many of the defences of Phil Robertson I've seen, the author always makes a point of stating that they don't know who he is, or they don't watch Duck Dynasty. Hmmm, I wonder if it's because maybe in addition to his "religious" comments, Mr. Robertson also stated that black people were happy and content without civil rights, and the inherent violence of Japanese Shintos. Anyway, Craig, explain to us more about how you've never heard of this thing you suddenly care deeply about.


Apparently, this Phil Robertson is some "good ol' boy" from Louisiana, who was fortunate enough to have fallen into reality show stardom on some show called "Duck Dynasty". Now I don't know Duck Dynasty from the Ming dynasty, so I had to look it up.

Haha, but seriously Craig, lay off the Asian stuff.

Phil Robertson said that, to him, homosexuality is a sin, and that he didn't believe that a man loving a man in the biblical way, was right.


"A man loving a man in the biblical way" is the greatest stupid line I've ever read. I'm pretty sure the Bible actually COMMANDS you to love all men in the Biblical way.

He didn't mention anything about a woman and a woman, but that's beside the point.


I'll bring it up anyway, because DAMN

He was subsequently suspended by the network that airs the show indefinitely.

Jesus, Craig, two seconds ago you said you've never seen the show, but apparently you know that they broadcast it exclusively, 24/7? Methinks the idiot doth protest too much.


Why should this guy lose his (nicely paying) job just because he doesn't have the same beliefs as the political correctness machine? While I'm at it, why do the networks and news organizations have to cover this "story" like he committed a triple homicide? This whole political correctness BS is getting out of control!!!

I'd like to see this political correctness machine, but I understand that it's guarded around the clock by the gayest, blackest, security detail Hollywood can afford. Too bad.


Here is another way of looking at it. If gay people and black people and other minorities didn't have the first amendment right to speak out about how things were, where would they be now? I'll tell you where. Black people would still be at the back of the bus and gay people would still be in the closet.

[implodes] But I thought black people were happy without rights!

Now, when anyone says anything that goes against the machine, everyone gets a geather up their butts. You can't have it both ways folks!


Any ideas what Craig is trying to say here? Whatever it is, it really sounds like he actually disagrees with Phil Robertson.

I lost my job because of similar circumstances. I said that the LPGA golf tour was losing popularity and fans in America because they have too many Asian golfers playing on the tour, and that perhaps they should think about capping the number of them getting on the tour. I have nothing against Asian people—I was being PRO LPGA and trying to offer a helpful suggestion.


Let's re-visit some of those comments, shall we:

There are too many gosh darn foreigners on the tour and more specifically, I'm talking about Koreans and Asians in general...

It's hard to remember specific golfers when half of them seem to have names that sound like the sound you get when you bang pots and pans together."


After all, the Japanese professional baseball league has a limit of only two US born players per team. Americans cheer for americans at the olympics. They don't cheer for foreigners. This is an American based tour.

[looks at LPGA schedule]

[sees 32 tournaments scheduled for 2014]

[sees 14 of those 32 scheduled for outside of the US, with 6 of those in Asia]

[looks at the analogy Craig has drawn regarding the Olympics]

[realizes it's not an analogy, but rather a crudely-traced spaceship with the word 'olypmics' scrawled underneath in green crayon]



I didn't think what I said was that inflammatory, yet in addition to being fired, I was a national news story, was reviled as a racist, and actually called the "racist of the week" nationally by one website.


Craig, I'm pretty sure they didn't fire you only because you're racist. When your little article "went viral" (another sample: "I don't have a problem with many of the Mexican golfers, or Netherlands, or Swedes or any of the other international golfers who play on tour. Why? Because most of them speak English! They also have easily distinguishable names."), I'm pretty sure your employer said "what the hell? Craig is actually writing stuff?" and then looked through your articles and realized that the man writing articles on their radio station's website had the reasoning and writing capabilities of a particularly sleepy six-year-old, and decided it was time to cut ties. But, yes, I agree that your First Amendment rights were violated when your private employer fired you for making them look like idiots for having employed you in the first place.

I think many cult-member followers of "Deadspin", who don't have lives of their own, still think I am "the new Hitler". Maybe they, and the gay and lesbian groups can now tab Phil Robertson to take over that mantle from me and Mrs Deen.


Actually, we don't, Craig. We stand by the belief that Hitler at least had some good ideas.

Seriously though, it is an unfortunate situation that people's lives can be so negatively affected by speaking their minds or being upfront about their core belief system or religious upbringing, especially in a country that is supposed to protect peoples rights to speak them. We have lost over one an a half million American servicemen in all of this country's wars to protect this first amendment and each and every other amendment in the constitution. Let us not forget that.


"So many men and women have fought and died for my right to completely misunderstand the principles on which my country was founded. God bless them [looks around for the PC police]."

Either we need to repeal the first amendment, and have a country of mindless, un-opinionated zombies....or keep it and all of our other rights and protections around, and everyone needs to just LIGHTEN UP!


Craig is very worried about having mindless, un-opinionated zombies running rampant. Let's pick out some of Craig's #tcot talking points from his previous columns:

I am thankful that we have less than three years left of Obama's presidency, unless as I predicted, he finds a way to remove term limits and gets re-elected again by the same disillusioned mass of followers that re-elected him last time.

Why is Puig trailing in the official vote then? Well, all I can say is it's gotta be a fluke—like how Barack Obama has won two terms.

last night we went to Chick-fil-a, which was outstanding. We especially enjoyed supporting a chain whose owner opposes gay marriage, oops, I'm not supposed to say that in today's PC world, am I?

I wanted to sit under her, on her, above her, below her next to her, sure any of those would do,


Oops, that last one was Craig's reminiscences about a thirteen-year-old girl (I wish I was joking).

Anyway, Craig wants the First Amendment to MEAN SOMETHING, DAMMIT, as long as it doesn't mean that people go about espousing any manner of ideas like it were some sort of "free marketplace of ideas", where people could thoughtfully consider the merits of all arguments and then decide amongst them appropriately. The only way to truly guarantee free expression, in Craig's mind, is to repeal the law that allows expression to be free. Although, if it would allow for the passing of a law that would prevent Craig from speaking publicly, then maybe it's not such a bad idea.


It's for your own good, Craig.