Hey you guys! DougExeter here to have a little fun with you all. By now, you probably have still never heard of Craig Schaller. And, with good reason! He's an idiot. I'll fill you in. Until about two weeks ago, Craig was some nobody backup sports guy on some loser AM radio station in Rochester. Then, Craig decided he'd write up a column blaming the declining popularity of the LPGA Tour on the fact that it had too many Koreans.
Well, stupidity being contagious, Mr. Schaller's column went viral, and within a day of publishing it, he got shitcanned from his job. But weep not for Craig. The self-styled "sports writer, public speaker, and free speech advocate" has started his own website, where he is free from the "P.C. Police" who "would love nothing more than to see a country of robotic people who all think and say the exact same things."
Craig's website is a testament to the ignorance and utter lack of self-awareness that makes your country great. Plus, it seems like every once in a while, he plans to squat and squeeze out a steaming pile of opinion. Now and then, I'll slap on some rubber gloves and smear a specimen of his under the microscope to see what germs live within.
In this maiden installment of Diving into the Schaller End, our man Craig takes aim at a worthy foe, tightrope walker extraordinaire Nik Wallenda.
A BALANCING ACT OF GRAND PROPORTIONS...YAWN
Nik Wallenda is once again in the limelight. The grand limelight that is, after his recent conquest of becoming the first human being to walk across the Grand Canyon.
And we're off to a roaring start, with semi-coherent sentences and ambiguous phrasing. Craig Schaller arrives, after his recent conquest of becoming the first ape with alopecia to write an online "colum" (sic).
Much like when Wallenda also became the first person to walk a tightrope over Niagara Falls just over a year ago, Wallenda again raised eyebrows and the hairs on the back of the necks of millions of television viewers nationwide and worldwide. Everyone was on the edge of their seat as Wallenda walked the 1,400 feet across the canyon on a two inch steel cable that traversed the Grand Canyon over the Colorado river. All along, Wallenda performed the walk without a harness or safety net.
What an amazing feat of triumph over adversity! What? No, not Wallenda traversing the Grand Canyon; I'm more amazed that Craig was able to type out an entire paragraph with a vocabulary of seven words.
It was a made for TV event, much like the walk over the Falls.
Much like, but not exactly. The walk over the Falls was made much more exciting by being the first death-defying stunt broadcast exclusively in Morse Code.
It was televised with breathless announcers talking in hushed tones and espousing nerve wracking rabble about what could go wrong or "worst case scenarios".
Whoa, whoa, slow down, Craig! The adjective store called, and they're running out of stock! Also, the noun store called and they're wondering what the hell you were doing rearranging their inventory.
In my opinion, it is also a complete sham.
It would seem that perhaps I've thought too little of our friend Mr. Schaller. I've dismissed him as some backwoods borderline mental patient with an irrational hatred of Koreans, but it appears that he's actually gone and done some investigative journalism. Well, what say you, Craig? Was there a secret safety net all along? Green-screen technology to make fools of them all? Is Wallenda actually a tightrope-walking robot created in a lab in -gasp!- Seoul?
I heard a national sports talk show host yesterday talking about how Nik Wallenda's walk over the Canyon is the greatest sports feat of all time. Bigger than any triple crown or rushing record or Olympic decathlon gold medal or ANYTHING. Really?
Hold up, Craiggo. Are we talking horse triple crown, or baseball triple crown? Think long and hard here. One can be achieved by hairy, muscular beasts pumped full of steroids and methamphetamines, and the other is only done by horses. Makes a big difference.
This host's rationale is that it is something that no other athlete in the world can do. There are hundreds of great players in each sport and dozens of great Olympians and so on, but Wallenda is the only person in the world who is able to perform feats like these.
OK, well, that's a stupid argument, but it really doesn't explain how Wallenda is a fraud or a sha-
THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT.
Hey! Where did that come from? No, no, I understand. When you hear an idiotic commentary from some braindead radio sports guy, you get a bit upset. Carry on.
Most of these athletes don't bother wasting their time learning to walk a tightrope over natural wonders of the world. It's pure folly. I don't even feel like it has anything to do with sport.
Most don't, but damned if I didn't see Derek Jeter riding a unicycle across a stretched-out shoelace before doing a triple-flip dismount off Angel Falls. SUCH GRIT.
Sure, Wallenda has to be in great shape and have amazing and precise balance, as well as superhuman endurance. I will give him that. But you will have a hard time convincing me that tightrope walking is a SPORT!
Craig, something tells me that I'd have a hard time convincing you that the automatic door at the grocery store isn't sorcery.
What Wallenda did is an individual accomplishment, a spectacular feat. It is not a sport. There is a big difference between competing in the balance beam and tightrope walking across anything.
You're damn sure there's a difference. Craig never popped a boner while watching no stinkin' tightrope walker. But those chicks on the balance beam? That's a different story. He's grown up watching generation after generation of 15-year-old American hotties doing the inverted splits on the beam. NO ASIANS PLS.
Plus, how amazing an accomplishment is it really? Wallenda simply walked. Fourteen hundred feet. Suspended fifteen hundred feet above the Colorado river.
"Plus, how amazing of a beach landing was it really? The Allies simply rode some boats and then got off them. Into the heart of German-occupied Europe. With Nazi sharpshooters poised high on the hills, picking them off one by one."
Scary? Of course. I certainly would never consider trying something like that, nor would anyone else.
Why? Well, the risk is far greater than the reward for the rest of us. For Wallenda though, it is something he has been doing his entire life. He could probably accomplish the feat blindfolded.
What a pussy, relying on vision.
He knew the chances of encountering any major problem on his walk was so low, that he had nothing to worry about. It's like anything else...you do it enough, it becomes second nature, and I'm just not that impressed anymore.
Let's flash back to Craig's first paragraph, where he reminds us that Wallenda is the first human being to accomplish this task. Craig watches Mike Trout crush a 430-foot home run, then waives his hand dismissively and says "pfft, I've seen batting practice before."
I have nothing against Nik Wallenda personally. He is a good christian,
Plus, I heard he hates the Chinese, so that's a start!
who is very good at what he does. He has an amazing intestinal fortitude, and wants to show everyone that they can do whatever they put their mind to. It is very honorable, but by now, I think we all get it. We get the message already, now it is time to just go away. Anything more and I think the public will see that it is just self-aggrandizing and pure publicity for Wallenda.
Craig sets the limit of altruistic tightrope walks at TWO, Nik. Now fuck off.
I hope for the sake of himself and everyone else, Nik Wallenda will now
Oh, for God's sake, don't say it, Craig...
I'm warning you, Craig. Don't shitting say it...
tightrope walk into the sunset.
"So, as I was saying, Nik Wallenda is boring, or maybe he's a fraud, or could be I just listened to some shitty radio show where some moron was taking an untenable position to rile up callers. Anyway, tightrope walking is not as relevant to everyday life as you, gentle reader, think it is. Are there any jobs available for me yet? No? Thanks, Obama."