A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

Diving Into The Schaller End - With DougExeter

Illustration for article titled Diving Into The Schaller End - With DougExeter

I was hoping not to have to deal with our man Craig (pictured here alongside a man he believed to be Yasiel Puig) again this week, but he has some words about the latest baseball sensation, Yasiel Puig. Some confusing, semi-coherent, and occasionally non-existent words.


After reading this installment, you'll understand why Puig didn't make the team. Once aware of this column, the Universe ordained it so.


What? No "Do Yasiel What I See?"

One of the greatest baseball travesties of the 21st century could be about to happen.


Well, first of all, there is never going to be a time this century, so long as baseball exists, where this statement is untrue. In that sense, it's Craig's must successful thought ever. But, of course, that's not what he meant. Anyway, no, Craig, I wouldn't worry about the Astros winning another game this year.

Nothing against Freddie Freeman personally, but currently, he leads Yasiel Puig in fan voting for the final fan choice for all-star reserves in the National league.


"Nothing against him personally, but circumstances outside of his control render him worse that Hitler."

Freeman is a nice player, and is having a great year, but outside of Atlanta, there really is not a huge outcry to see him play in the all-star game is there?


You might want to think this through again, Craig.

Well, on second thought,

Hey! There's a first time for a second everything!

he currently leads the fan vote so he must have some support. Really though, most baseball fans want to see Puig in the summer classic.


It has been suggested to me on Twitter that Craig is, in fact, a Republican pollster. I didn't think that it could be true, but after reading that last sentence, I really have no counter-argument.

The problem that many players and series fans of the game, like those geeks, errrr, I mean Sabrematricians say that Puig just hasn't had the time to prove himself. He just hasn't played enough. They say Freeman has played the whole year, is batting .305 with nine home runs and 56 RBI, while Puig has only played a month.


"Those nerd sabermetricians, sitting in their mom's basements, talking about 'advanced' statistics like 'home runs' and 'runs batted in', and super-objective measures like 'proving oneself.' Makes me sick."

Anyway, to summarize, Craig does not know what sabermetrics is. But, I'm sure he'll have some heavily-researched statistical analysis to come!

Oh but what a month it's been!

I mean, it's Korean History Month, which has kind of offset the joy a bit for Craig, but still: Puig!

Since the Cuban defector was called up to the show on June 3rd, Puig has had 132 at bats. In those at bats, he has hit eight homers, batted .409, stolen five bases and driven in 19, and scored 26 runs. His on-base percentage is a Ted Williams-like .442, and his slugging percentage is a Ruthian .662.



Ted Williams, career OBP (2,292 games): .482

Babe Ruth, career SLG (2,503 games): .690

No one. I said NO ONE other than Joe DiMaggio has put up numbers like that in his first month in the majors!


Now, this is actually more or less an accurate statement, which makes it all the more infuriating that Craig expresses it with the poise and elegance matched only by a sixth-grader scrawling the same sentence out on poster board for his half-assed class project.

Puig is the perfect example of the reason that fan vote was instituted. The fan vote for the final spot in each league was developed for guys who the fans wanted to see in the all-star game.


WHO'DA THUNK IT? And wouldn't you know it, the fan vote, by virtue of having no other possible consequence of its existence, will result in sending the guy who more fans want to see in the All-Star game than any other guy!

It is for guys who are not on the ballot when the year began, or for special pitchers who are having spectacular years that the managers didn't pick. Puig fills every one of those criteria for hitters.


"Every one of those criteria"? You listed one! That he wasn't on the ballot when the year began! VOTE DOUGEXETER FOR THE ALL STAR GAME. HE WASN'T ON THE BALLOT!

He came on the scene late and has been an uber-phenom. He has been beyond spectacular, hitting balls like he's in the cage, running the bases with more abandon than anyone we've seen since Willie Mays or Rickey Henderson, and playing eye popping defense. The kid simply does it all!


Quit it with the sabermetrics, Craig!

Now, it's time for the patented "Schaller Dial-Back":

​I'm not saying Puig will be a hall of famer, or even one of the games greatest players. I remember Joe Charbonneau. What I am saying is that Puig is the biggest thing going in a sport that is DESPERATE for great things. He is water cooler talk. He is an automatic cut-in for every at bat on the MLB network. He is what everyone is talking about.



He is on every sports fans lips.

No, Craig. That's herpes.

He's Puigilicious.

No, Craig. That's terrible.

He's Puigtacular.

No, Craig. That's [vomits]

He needs to be playing next Tuesday night.

Well, Craig. I'll give you credit. You've said some remarkably stupid things, and in extraordinarily ham-fisted ways, but you really haven't taken any gratuitous potshots at anyone so fa-

Why is Puig trailing in the official vote then? Well, all I can say is it's gotta be a fluke—like how Barack Obama has won two terms.



The majority of fans who want to see Puig make the all-star game must be too busy to get online and vote. Maybe they don't have computers.


Maybe the Republicans called them and told them that the polling day for Puig fans was Friday. Who can say, really?

Like American Idol voting, everyone just assumes Puig will eventually win the vote because "how can he not???"


"Folks, this kind of apathy is why Mitt Romney STILL doesn't have a major record deal."

That may not happen folks. I'm here to tell you—the time is running thin. As of this writing, there are just 41 hours remaining before the 4 pm EST fan voting deadline on Thursday. I urge everyone—whether you are a National League fan or an American League fan, go to MLB.com and vote. Vote often. Vote for Yasiel Puig.


"I want this nation to put down their petty differences. Liberal or conservative, pro-life or pro-choice, black or white, pro-DH or anti-DH. It doesn't matter. Go to the website and vote, now."


"No, I don't know how to put a hy-per-link into the article. I'll pay one of those Korean kids down the street to do it. They're always good with computers."

In a sport that is looking for a savior, a guy like Puig needs to be showcased as much and as prominantly as possible.


Well, at least I've found the counter-argument I was looking for earlier. If he's not a pollster, he's ESPN's Vice President In Charge Of Tebow.

Share This Story

Get our newsletter