With the recent internet rumors of a "Canada Day" celebrated by so-called "Canadians," we here at Sidespin have turned to the thorny question that has puzzled men of letters for centuries: Does Canada Actually Exist?
Sadly, due to the global economic downturn, belt tightening, and utter lack of interest, there have been no scientific studies undertaken to prove the existence or non-existence of Canada. Without these kinds of rigorous, peer-reviewed works, we are forced to rely on rumor and conjecture.
THE CASE FOR:
- Existence of jean shorts
- superfluous "u's" seen clogging Lake Superior
- One time this guy held a door for me and smiled
- "Tim Horton" is a name I am aware of
- Something needs to be north of Montana
THE CASE AGAINST
- Lack of any Canadian cultural resonance in United States
- 20 straight years of 'Merican Stanley Cup Champions
- Nothing rhymes with Canada
- What do buffalo wings taste like? Not Canada, because Canada probably tastes like tap water if anything
- No mention of Canada in Bible
- Have you ever actually met a Canadian?
Much like God, it may be impossible to prove that Canada does not, in fact, exist. However, as a practical, day to day matter, I suggest that you proceed forward under the assumption that it does not. You will most likely end up on the right side of history, and it will require zero changes in your day to day life.
In the meantime, Happy 4th of July!