A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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Dots: An Ode to Being Horrendous

Illustration for article titled Dots: An Ode to Being Horrendous

There is an unholy amount of candy in my house right now.

Through means of random Halloween charity and my sad addiction to sour, sugary, teeth-rotting sweets, I have accumulated a mass of candy that will most likely make my dentist a fortune in the next six months.


One bag holds a special place in my heart: Tootsie Roll's Child's Play. It's a five pound bag of all the brand's most popular treats. Your standard chocolate Tootsie Roll, the fruity ones, some Tootsie Pops, and to round out the bag, a smattering of boxes of Dots.

Dots are the candy equivalent of stubbing a toe on your coffee table. They're dreadful, and as soon as you open the box and chew a few, you wonder who the fuck decided these were a good idea.


Dots taste like stale Robitussin, and have the consistency of a pencil eraser left in the trunk of your car on a hot summer's day.

The flavors aren't even worth an amateurish ranking, as being hit by car would be infinitely more enjoyable than the best (least worst) variety.


The only redeeming thing about Dots are that they aren't Crows, because people who may actually enjoy eating Crows might also enjoy post-Sixth Sense movies from M.Night Shyamalan and the feeling you get after your leg falls asleep.

What an awful treat to give kids during a holiday filled with so much hope.

Dots (and Crows, by default) are the only thing Charlie Brown could've gotten that would have been worse than the rocks tossed in his pillowcase.

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