Our very own Albert "Sharting" Burneko has ranked the freezer pop flavors, but he did not explain the proper way to eat one - and, trust me, there is a proper way. On this 4th of July, celebrate America by getting out on your porch, grilling some meat, and beating the heat by consuming an excessive quantity of freezer pops, like so:

1. Remove your freezer pop from the freezer. If you froze them correctly - propping them up on a bag of broccoli you will never, ever open so that they freeze at an angle - there will be much less, if any, frozen sugar-water at one end of the tube.

2. Cut open that end.

3. What you have is a tube full of sugary ice. What you want is a tube that is mostly full of sugary ice, but with some sugary juice in there as well, which you will slurp greedily from the opening. Mmm. But we'll get to that later. For now, to facilitate the melting process, close one hand around the tube - yeah, just like that - and vigorously move it up and down. The friction generates heat, which helps melt the ice - and, let's face it, it feels great on this hot summer day. Fuck.


4. With your free hand, grip the base of the freezer pop. Doesn't that feel nice? You can literally feel the ice melting around your hot, sticky fingers as more and more delicious juice is made. You're so close to getting that juice.

5. At this point, you should be holding the base of the freezer pop with one hand and massaging the shaft of ice with the other. That's really good. So, so good. At this point, you should start to see some juice in the tube. Perhaps there's already just a little bit of juice at the opening, glistening in the sunlight, waiting to be consumed with a deft flick of your moist tongue. Go ahead. Taste a little pre-juice. That's good, isn't it?


6. While continuing to caress the freezer pop - always keep those juices flowing - close your lips around the opening of the freezer pop. Oh, fuck, that feels amazing - the ice-cold freezer pop on your hot summertime lips. There's always a question of how much of the freezer pop to put in your mouth. I say, don't put in more than you can handle; you might gag. Start with just the tip, and then slowly slide a little more of the ice shaft in your mouth, until you feel you're in an optimal juice-guzzling position.

7. There's so much juice in this tube now, and it's practically begging to be poured into your mouth. Elevate the base of the freezer pop so that it's at an angle above your head, and at the same time, suuuuuuck those juices out. Oh, my fucking God in HEAVEN, you made all the juice come out. Look out, there's some dribbling down your chin - don't spill any!


8. Hey, look, it's still hard. Rinse and repeat.