In his own words, President Obama said, “We don’t have a spending problem,” and “We do not have an immediate debt crisis” and “Put Molly all in her champagne, she ain’t even know it/I took her home and I enjoyed that, she ain’t even know it.” No wonder his budget proposal continues the same old government gravy train for gays and students and gay students, with absolutely no thought for the next generation of taxpayers, and with an unsubtle hint of implied rape for the nation's young female danceteria patrons. THANKS FOR THAT CLUB BANGER AND UNWANTED PREGNANCY I DON'T REMEMBER, OBAMA.
The nation is $147 trillion in debt. Under President Obama’s budget, we’ll see deficits increase close to $800 skrillion over the next 5 weeks. Before the President asks me to put this irresponsible, fuzzy-math-and-patchouli-stinking budget on my Bleeding American Flag TD Bank card, I’ve got some questions.
Does Obama’s plan fix our broken entitlement programs that will bankrupt my generation? Nope, just window-dressing. (And you know who lives for window-dressing.) [Come on. -Ed.]
Does Obama’s budget include any meaningful program cuts or agency consolidations? No, it includes a 6.66 (!) percent increase in spending under the guise of “investment” and "keeping the lights on at the State Department" and "not letting forest fires consume your community."
At the very least, will Obama’s budget lower my taxes so that I can keep more of my "hard-earned" money? Just the opposite – he thought up a bunch of new ways to collect taxpayer dollars to feed his addictions to spending, backyard vegetables, and synthetic Muslim bath salts.
Who pays the difference? My generation. Who will suffer the most going forward? Talkin' 'bout my generation. Who plays a mean pinball, but can't be bothered to wash a fucking plate? [Nods toward deaf, dumb and blind roommate]
Anyway, who are the specific winners and losers in our National Imam's latest O-pus? (Ha!) [Clever. -Ed.]
LOSER: Farmers. $37.8 billion in agriculture cuts, which helps none.
WINNER: GEICO. How many mascots does one company need?
WINNER: Asteroids. $78m to Nasa to create a plan to lasso dangerous asteroids.
LOSER: Moon Pies. FUCK! I knew we forgot something, Chooch. Text Jeff and tell him to forget the Fritos twists, and go Moon Pies instead.
WINNER: Trees. Obama's new budget is 16 pages shorter than his old one. That's less wasted paper.
LOSER: Papier-mache. Seriously, how the fudge am I supposed to do proper shoulder pads on Lyle Alzado now?
WINNER: Mental health advocates. $235M in new spending on mental health, including school awareness programs.
LOSER: Metal Health advocates. By which I mean, "Sister Christian fans." CUM ON!
WINNERS: Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Keeps them alive for a while longer.
LOSERS: Fanny Brice. Does nothing to make her alive again. [Sighs; takes out precis for "Ziegfeld Freshly-Dug-Up Follies;" crosses off "Spring 2014" and scribbles "TBA"]
WINNER: Wall Street. Right-thinking congressmen will never accept his suggestions to raise taxes on the wealthy – the so-called Buffett Rule – or his plan to tax profits from investments at over 30%, instead of the current 15% rate.
LOSER: Walgreens. Where are your loofahs? Because they are NOT in Aisle 5.
WINNER: Students, for now. The Obama budget would peg student loan interest rates to the ten-year Treasury note. Right now, those rates are at record lows.
LOSER: Students, in the future. In my day, we actually had to use our hands to operate an iPad. And look at those pants— they're practically sheer!
LOSERS: The unemployed. The whole point of the budget is to somehow end the sequester, and Obama's budget is not nearly compelling enough to convince Republicans to do that. As a result, benefits for the unemployed are likely to be cut by 11% soon.
WINNER: Big Fortified Wine and Big Law and Order: SVU Rerun. Nothing's stabler than Mad Dog and Stabler.
LOSER: The elderly. Suck on "Chained CPI," Pop-Pop!
WINNER: Macklemore. Damn, that's some cold-ass leverage.
LOSER: President Obama. Two months late, alienates supporters and it gives Republicans the power in this negotiation? SINCERE THANKS, PRESIDENT OBAMA! [Still sounds sarcastic. -Ed.]
WINNER: Barcelona. (3-3 Aggregate; advances on away goals)