I’ve finally reached my breaking point. We have all known for years that society is becoming stupider and the attention span of most people is the shortest its ever been. Warhol once said “In the future, everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes.” That time has been trimmed down to about 15 seconds now. My saturation point for what society feels is famous has finally been exceeded. Everything sucks now, and here are some examples.

Things came to a head when I woke up recently and the whole world was talking about some kid who danced on SNL while Katy Perry was performing. I saw the video. The kid isn’t dancing. HE ISN’T DANCING! He’s swinging his fucking arms around. That’s not dancing. People swing their arms around all the time, it doesn’t mean that the world is fucking populated with Fred fucking Astaire and Ginger fucking Rogers. You want to know what dancing is? These folks are dancing:

Hell yes they’re dancing. And what’s more, my buddy Travis and I won a breakdancing contest in 6th grade. To be fair, I did the Worm and the Crab and Travis did the rest, but the point is that we won. We were dancing! The crew we beat were in 8th grade and they had MATCHING FUCKING TRACK SUITS WITH THE WORD “FRESH” SEWN ON THE ASSES! And we beat them! By dancing! If we just stood around, swinging our arms and looking stupid we’d have been laughed off the stage. Imagine if the arm swinging kid was the basis for “Footloose.” Nobody would see that and we’d never have the pleasure of watching Chris Penn dance and inspire others to do the same.

Fidget Spinners? Fuck you. This is a Fidget Spinner:

Know what else sucks? Diss tracks and Twitter Beef. Oooh, someone named Remy Ma (sounds like a rejected Bond villain) recently sang a diss track about someone named Nicky Manaj! Oooooooooh! Diss track! Fuck that. Twitter Beef? Gimme a fucking break. Threats are made from the safety of a phone screen, big deal. Remember when people actually fought or even shot each other? Now THAT is beef!

Those are WAY better than diss tracks or Twitter Beef.

In the same vein, music sucks now. The musical landscape is littered with one-hit wonders who don’t even play fucking instruments. Fuck that. Give me guitars, a bass, and drums. Real music played by real musicians on real instruments. Shit today is just cut and pasted like a sixth-grader plagiarizing his research paper from Wikipedia. If these bands/songs win awards, they shouldn’t be music awards. They should be technology awards. All that shit is created in a studio on computers anyway. All the great musicians (key word being MUSICIANS) played instruments or had band members who did. Go all the way back to the birth of rock. Think some dipshit like Robin Thicke would’ve got past the front door of Sun Records, Stax, Motown, or Muscle Shoals? No fucking way. He’d have been rejected before he even knocked. Fuck him, fuck shitty music, fuck people who make it, and fuck people who listen to it.


Remember when our country wasn’t run by a thin skinned, potato-brained, racist, misogynistic fear monger whose coloring most closely resembles a stale Cheeto? This guy was elected by idiots. Times were when we could identify the idiots and basically shame them into never doing anything and just letting the non-mouth breathers run the show. But oh no, not now. BROWN PEOPLE ARE CRIMINALS! A-RABS GONNA BOMB US! WE NEEDS A WALL! I WANT MY CONFEDERATE FLAG BOXER SHORTS! Our society has reached the point where the leader of the free world is just an extension of the village idiot who no rational person would normally give the time of day. Know who I miss? George W Bush. Sure he got us into a never ending war, but at the end of the day he’s about 5 billion times a better president than Trump. Looking back on it now, it’s kind of endearing:

Honestly, W has to be the happiest man on the planet. He’s no longer viewed as the most incompetent president in American history. I have reached out to the GWB Library to see if George would like to grab a beer with me and Turtle Head Joe. So far I’ve received no reply, but that might just mean he’s thinking about it.


It’s time we righted the ship. Let’s bring back real fifteen minute fame. Let’s actually dance. Got a problem with someone? Go fight (fists only) behind a building. Bring back a president who doesn’t seem to be modeling world diplomacy on Heath Ledger’s interpretation of The Joker. This could be the beginning of a glorious new renaissance revival of actual rational thought and creativity. Or I’m just getting old and bitchy.