A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
Illustration for article titled First Date Tips for Women: What Hes Thinking But Wont Dare Say!

You know the old saying: shy, neurotic, devastatingly self-conscious men are from Mars, women are from Venus! Never is this more apparent than on that first date - clumsy small-talk, furtive glances, awkward silences, cripplingly intense, bone-deep self-loathing. Cut through this unpleasant early discomfort with the help of Sidespin's List of 25 Things Your Introverted, Depressive, Obsessive-Compulsive, Paranoid, Perfectionist Date is Thinking But Won't Ever Say, and get those sparks ignited!


25 Things Your Introverted, Depressive, Obsessive-Compulsive, Paranoid, Perfectionist Date is Thinking But Won't Ever Say:

  1. I’m not bothered by your imperfections – I try to not take myself very seriously and enjoy self-deprecating humor.
  2. I know I’m not the best looking guy in here, but that’s okay – I make up for it in intellect and passion.
  3. Shit, I’m probably not the smartest, nor the most passionate guy in here. Why do I even bother?
  4. I’m not a fucking idiot – I can see you staring at him.
  5. There are seven syllables in the lyric “it’s a small world after all”, and they can be represented symmetrically across the five tooth-click points if I click my middle-right and middle-left teeth once each on the “er” and “all” syllables, respectively.
  6. I go to Disney World at least once a year and that’s non-negotiable, and I’d prefer to not feel bad about that.
  7. I count syllables on my teeth and obsess over their symmetrical representation, and would prefer to not feel bad about that, either.
  8. Jesus, why don’t you just suck his dick already and get it over with?
  9. I’m not impressed by your petite portion sizes – I’d rather you order what you like and eat as much as you want. Don’t order small for my benefit.
  10. Yes, I’m going to eat all of this, and I really resent your disappointed facial expression.
  11. As an introvert, I am particularly adept at reading and interpreting body language and facial expressions.
  12. You bitch. This is going nowhere. Fuck me I am hopeless. Why did I order so much food?
  13. I don’t want you to feel like we have to talk about sports or action movies in order to build a rapport – I’m just as happy listening to what’s important to you and letting you guide the conversation for once.
  14. Christ, I haven’t said one fucking thing of any value in 20 minutes. I’m just smiling and nodding and saying “right” and looking down at my plate like some goddamn serial killer. God, I hate myself. You must think I’m a fucking loser.
  15. I am such a fucking loser.
  16. Oh, I’m sorry, am I boring you? I’m sure you’d rather be over there plowing into Mr. GQ Jock Boy’s giant penis than sitting here with a smart, sensitive, good-natured, modern man. Go ahead! Go right ahead. I’ll just fucking hang myself.
  17. I want to take things slow. I’m not looking for a cheap one-night fling – for me, the thrill is in developing chemistry and earning your admiration.
  18. Why don’t I just wear a sign that says SMALL PENIS AND LOW TESTOSTERONE? What’s wrong with me?
  19. I think of you as an equal in every way. I think it’s antiquated and chauvinistic for me to automatically treat you to this meal. And if I say that, you’ll think I’m broke and lack ambition. And it's all true. And I can’t possibly afford this meal. I am about five seconds from crying.
  20. Hey! “I am about five seconds from crying” has exactly ten syllables! Two for the far right, two for the middle-right, two in the middle, two for the middle left, and hey-would-you-look-at-that two for the far left! I guess this date wasn’t such a miserable failure after a-
  21. Oh my God, she saw me clicking my teeth. Oh my God. This is it. This is the moment when I am forced to confront the totality of my pathetic loserdom. This is the moment when I curl into a ball and die.
  22. I’m sorry, what were you saying? Nice job, idiot. I'm sure your vacant expression really turns her on. Stupid fucking clown.
  23. I’m just going to drop you off at the curb and drive away. It’s better for both of us this way – you can go tell all your friends about the big fucking hopeless idiot with whom you wasted an entire night, and I can go home and continue my pointless existence.
  24. Just drive. Don’t look back. Don’t look back. If you look back she’ll see you and make eye contact and her eyes will tell your eyes exactly what you already know about yourself, you total, total chump.
  25. I can chase away this misery if I spend the next four hours playing the 3-year old NBA video game for which I have named and built no fewer than 94 unique Create-A-Players from my imagination. Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.

There you have it, women! That insider's sneak-peak inside the mind of your desperately lonely date and a roadmap to first-date fireworks! Now, what are you waiting for? Get out there and break that ice!

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