A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

As some of you may know, the stupidest fantasy league ever is a simulated rock-paper-scissors league - the details of which are found here.

The league has eight confirmed participants:

Capt. Gladys Stoatpamphlet
Milo Minderbinder
The Amazing Sneijderman

Sorry to anyone who asked to get in and didn’t get an invite. Well, not actually sorry. “Sorry nto sorry”, if you will.


The draft will take place over the next 10 days or so; however long it takes, just like the NHL Draft. Below is a list of the competitors in the league, along with one of their current tendencies listed. These tendencies were randomly chosen and randomly assigned. At the start of the season, the average of all tendencies is equal for rock, paper, and scissors, although this will presumably change as managers alter tendencies throughout the season.

Here are the competitors.

1Jim Abbott?41?
2Muhammad Ali??37
3Idi Amin42??
4Charles Barkley?42?
5Justin Bieber31??
6Napoleon Bonaparte??29
7Lizzie Borden??38
8George W. Bush31??
9Julius Caesar42??
10Bill Clinton21??
11Charles Darwin??28
12Paula Deen?25?
13Emily Dickinson??28
14Clint Eastwood33??
15Mohandas Gandhi?26?
16Roger Goodell??34
17Dave Grohl??31
18David Hasselhoff34??
19Aaron Hernandez?28?
20Adolf Hitler??39
21L. Ron Hubbard??27
22Rock Hudson?40?
23Judas Iscariot?33?
24LeBron James31??
25Derek Jeter?33?
26Lennay Kekua?36?
27Helen Keller39??
28Genghis Khan?41?
29Henry Kissinger22??
30Jeb Lund??47
31Kool-Aid Man??18
32Imelda Marcos?41?
33Ron Mexico?23?
34Jack Nicholson?30?
35Richard Nixon?43?
36Sarah Palin??37
37John Popper?23?
38Vladimir Putin??20
39Grigori Rasputin??26
40Ronald Reagan??27
41Kid Rock??32
42Alex Rodriguez36??
43Babe Ruth??19
44Mark Sanchez??49
45Edward Scissorhands??50
46Tupac Shakur33??
47O.J. Simpson??32
48Ringo Starr?33?
49Taylor Swift??35
50Donald Trump??28
51Mark Twain??36
52Sun Tzu19??
53Serena Williams?26?
54Tiger Woods?37?

Each team manager should send me, by twitter DM, a priority list of at least 15 players (by player number only) that they want to draft. I will go through these lists and conduct the draft accordingly. The draft order was set by a draft lottery that took place in a dingy basement at or near the British Columbia-Washington border, and is as follows:

Draft OrderTeam

If you can’t figure out which team is yours, then you are right for this league. Draft priority reverses for rounds 2, 4, and 6 of the draft.

Competition is tentatively slated to begin in the second week of August, which I will confirm after the draft is complete.


Oh, and by the way, the name of the league is the Fake Rock-Paper-Scissors League. That’s the name. If anyone has both the will and ability to make a logo for the league, then according to Aristotlean philosophy, they will do so.

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