A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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FRPSL Preseason

Illustration for article titled FRPSL Preseason

The FRPSL Preseason has come and gone, just like that. Seems like it just started earlier today, and then, sure enough, it’s all finished. Let’s take a look back, shall we?


Game 1 - Capt. Gladys Stoatpamphlet vs. Girlwonder

CGS led off the preseason with the ever-charismatic L. Ron Hubbard, who threw scissors to defeat Gandhi’s paper in the first-ever throwdown. It was all downhill from there, as Gandhi largely rode paper and rock to a 4-2-1 victory.


The second set featured legendary rascal Judas Iscariot going against GW’s own modern-day Judas, Ringo Starr. The man some refer to as the “fourth Beatle” could not muster up enough pieces of silver to carry the day, however, losing 4-2 to Judas and ties up the match at 1 set apiece.

Set three featured a battle between two of the twentieth century’s most Machiavellian shoe connoisseurs: CGS’s Henry Kissinger and GW’s Imelda Marcos. These two saw eye-to-eye a lot, drawing nine of their 15 games against one another, but it was the Iron Lady herself coming out ahead 4-2-9 to put Girlwonder on the brink of victory.


And victory would be achieved, thanks to totally-not-dead rapper extraordinaire and first overall draft pick Tupac Shakur, who rattled off three early paper-beats-rock wins against bumper decal patriarch Charles Darwin and held on for a 4-3-4 victory to seal the win for GW, making the final set between CGS’s Lizzie Borden and GW’s upstart Adolf Hitler meaningless, and the Fuhrer treated it as such, bowing out quickly 4-1-1. Still, Girlwonder took the match 3 sets to 2.

Game 2 - Keisertroll vs. Milo Minderbinder

Set one saw a battle of classic strongmen, with KEI’s Vladimir Putin taking on MM’s Babe Ruth. A balanced offensive attack from the Bambino got Milo off on the right foot with a 4-1-2 victory.


The second set saw Keiser battle back with the help of Hollywood tough guy and empty chair debater Clint Eastwood, who came back from the brink to defeat all-around good guy Mark Sanchez 4-3-2 with a pair of paper throws to finish it off.

The tide turned for good in set three, however, with noted turncoat LeBron James putting Milo’s team ahead with a 4-3-2 victory over Edward Scissorhands, who relied almost exclusively on a paper and rock combination.


At 16 games, set four was the second longest of the preseason, and yet team Keiser’s Richard Nixon would win none of them against future President Taylor Swift. By game five, Swift was up 2-0-3, and then the two proceeded to tie nine straight throws before kissing, at which point T-Swizzle quickly threw down a P-S combo to win the match for Milo.

The meaningless final round saw MM’s Derek Jeter make Kool-Aid Man shout his trademark “Meh!” in a 4-3-5 victory, giving Milo a commanding 4-1 win.


Game 3 - Pleatherface vs. RMJ=H

Pleatherface immediately dispatched local vagrant Grigori Rasputin against RMJ’s first draft pick Kid Rock, and it paid quick dividends, as the mad monk overcame an 0-2 deficit to win 4-3-2.


Congratulations David Hasselhoff on defeating @Mobute 4-0-4 in set two and tying up the match at 1 set apiece.

The third set featured PF’s Lennay Kekua appearing in some form against RMJ’s talented youngster Justin Bieber, in what would be a most extraordinary match. The two tied the first five throws, with Lennay taking two of the next three to go up 2-0-6. Lennay then proceeded to throw rock nine straight times, almost as if she was being controlled remotely and there was some fuckup with the internet connection, allowing Bieber to decipher the cryptic pattern and come back eventually for a 4-3-10 victory to put RMJ up 2-1.


Set number four was a match between two noted performance-enhancing-drug users - PF’s Alex Rodriguez and RMJ’s Ronald Reagan. A-Rod never trailed in the back-and-forth affair, ultimately prevailing 4-2-2 to set up a deciding showdown in the fifth set.

However, it would prove anticlimactic, as Dave Grohl won his own RPS set, hammering Serena Willians easily 4-1-1 to give PF the 3-2 victory.


Game 4 - StuartScottsEye vs. The Amazing Sneijderman

Set one saw SSE pit Julius Caesar against TAS’s Sun Tzu, in a battle of people who I guess know a thing or two about battles, according to what I assume to be true. Apparently Sun knows a thing or two about the art of war, as he deposed of the Caesar 4-2-6, finishing the job appropriately enough with scissors.


The second set was a battle between 90s playboys Bill Clinton (SSE) and Charles Barkley (TAS). Sir Charles took to the match with all of the aplomb that he usually brings to the links, losing 4-0-6 to the First Husband and bringing SSE to level in the match.

Set three was a battle of two of history’s greatest dictators, as Genghis Khan gave TAS the 2-1 lead with a narrow 4-3-1 victory over Roger Goodell.


The fourth set saw a completely fair fight as George W. Bush took on Helen Keller, and, just as he did on 9/11, 43 vanquished his foe with a 4-3-2 victory for SSE to make way for a winner-take-all in the fifth set between SSE’s Idi Amin and poet-who-didn’t-know-it Emily Dickinson.

In a victory for depressed high schoolers everywhere, Ms. Dickinson could stop to defeat the demandin’ Ugandan, and quite handily, in fact, with a 4-1-3 victory after two early ties. Sneijds took the match three sets to two.


Up next - week one of the real games. This week has given everyone a preview of their opponent, so next week should be entirely different, what with this being a random simulation. Have at it, folks!

PS18/3/2015Capt. Gladys Stoatpamphlet21515Girlwonder31515
PS28/3/2015keisertroll11123Milo Minderbinder41923
PS48/3/2015StuartScottsEye21418The Amazing Sneijderman31518

If you have the stomach, here are the box scores.

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