A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

Good reporting by a good reporter

Reporting—how hard could it be? That was the question I asked myself about reporting—the question I asked was, how hard could it be? I asked myself that question.

I have no formal experience of any kind, but I have watched enough sports postgame press conferences to know how the pros do it. How would the Deadspin Twitter multiverse stand up to pressure of good, solid investigative reporting?


When asked if the music of Creed was the resulting, earnest undercurrent of the ironic 1990s, @fusilliGaryBettman went on the record as saying, “(the music of Creed) was the logical conclusion of grunge going mainstream.” It was an easy give-and-take—the kind I’d expect from a media-trained personality like him.

@TheKimbleKiller was even more polished. When asked if he would consider losing a pinky in a sex accident to be a humbling experience, Kimble replied, “No. I’m never humble. Fortune favors the bold.” His candor was invaluable in the reporting experience, as he went on to say “That also means I’d need to find someone/thing to actually have sex with me[...]In your capable hand (you’re missing one hand, correct?) this story might topple a government.”

@rubdirtinit went on the record saying, “Anyone who believes in arm wrestling as a way to resolve interpersonal conflicts obviously hasn’t arm wrestled against (me) yet.”

Some of you were more challenging sources. For example, when asked about polygraph technology, @GRUNGEBANJO replied “I think it’s passed on more slowly- it’s generational. The signals shot into the heads of those administered polygraph testing will have children incapable of distinguishing between what’s right and wrong in arts and coloring.”


Wenis-joke maker, @CurtisWenis, initially went on the record saying, “the only good thing that ever came from woman’s suffrage (is my) ability to ogle elderly women at the polls,” but then went off the record when he was blocked on Twitter by @eto_o_o_face. But then Sammy unblocked him and he’s back on the record again. Boy was my head spinning! Now I know how Diane Sawyer must feel!

When asked “Would you agree that 3/4 of marginalized Americans go down easier than 3/4 of buttered Americans,” @DSdope declined to comment (as of press time. This time is press time because I’m a press.)


When asked, “As a Canadian, would you go on the record as saying that most Americans are ugly, serious people who drink their own urine and smell each other’s farts for exercise?” Canada human, @BonillaAppleBum, went on the record as saying that most Americans are ugly, serious people who drink their own urine and smell each other’s farts for exercise. He concluded by saying “that seems factually inaccurate in some respects, but yes, I would have no problem getting behind that line of thinking.” I couldn’t believe he was willing to put that on the record!

One individual who shall not be named said off the record that “organic cotton swabs are worth the extra $4, especially if they are locally sourced and hand-picked without the assistance of the literal and metaphorical machinery of BIG COTTON.”


In entirely unrelated news, @Rob_Sly went on the record as saying, “No. $4 is often the difference between your standard but unimpressive domestic six-pack and an evening-making delicious craft brew. I’m a sucker to Big Cotton, is I guess what I’m saying.”

A person who wished to be identified as “a dead eyed bureaucrat in the mid Atlantic region” went off the record in saying that he chose to eat cold pizza in his car because he is a disgusting monster, similar to me, though he knows how to take a shower.


When asked, “Would you go on the record as saying that the reason most marriages end is because there are too many Ndamukong Suhs and not enough Danny Woodheads out there?” @Symeo went on the record in saying, “Yes.”

When asked, “Do you agree that most people walk around in their long pants all day thinking about how great it will feel to remove their pants?,” @humanSuitcase said specifically, “Most people? Yes. My upstairs neighbor calls it “Pants:30” when he gets home. He’s extremely hot so I look forward to his return home every evening.”


Our old buddy, @FidrychDS was asked, “Would you go on the record as saying that the only thing that really matters in life is how many totally bodacious babes you see on the street and say ‘I respect you as a human being and I will NOT sexualize you with my male gaze,’ to?” but responded “That’s a hell of a pick-up line” and then “I mean there are numerous virtues in life.” He really Belichicked me, that son of a bitch.

Reporting can be confusing! “Yes, of course. Ive set many records,” is what @MnMEnterprises had to say when asked if he was on the record.


But maybe the cagiest of all was @roll_orange. I asked him, “Would you agree that if whales were TRULY worth saving, they’d learn to walk and make sandwiches for humans and accept a non-negotiable minimum wage that is inconsistent with living expenses?” and he replied, “I’m just here so I don’t get fined.” I asked him “Would you go on the record as saying that all children are flammable if you really try hard enough?” and he had the same response. Unlike some reporters, I knew I was beat.

I guess I’ll never win the puzzler.

Share This Story