A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
Illustration for article titled Here Are Some Problems I Have With The World Series

First, let's dispense with the obvious. There is one obvious reason for a grown adult man to be thinking about The World Series. The World Series starts tonight; be sure to dvr it so you can watch after you catch up on Season 5 of Gilmore Girls (#teamLorelai).


Problem 1

Red Sox fans, and specifically their presence on social media (Facebook, Twitter, stringbetweencans.com). I grew up in and continue to live in New England, so my feeds (Facebook in particular) are pretty much a 50-50 blend of Yankees and Red Sox fans. From this I've garnered some hard truths.


Yankee fans are assholes. Duh. They will boldly state their team is the best, their city is the best, the Yankees will win it all, etc. with no fear. They are brimming with confidence. They are often wrong. But their predictability and confidence makes them an endearing kind of asshole. When they're wrong, they shrug, ignore it, and go one making the same ridiculous claims year after year. They are the Lenny Smalls of the world, always sure the farm and rabbits are just around the corner.

Red Sox fans, on the other hand, are the most timid, sad sack pussies on the face of the earth. Despite having two recent titles and a good chance at a third, they are paranoid that it's all going to turn to shit in an instant. A bad bounce? We're fucked!!! Forgot to wear their lucky underwear? Cursed!!! Rain delay? Why hast thou forsaken us oh Lord??? Hey Sox fans, guess what? Your teams are good! They have been for a while! Act like you've fucking been there before. You are the Chicken Littles of the world, crying that the sky is falling even as their team hoists up the pennant.


Problem 2

The National League. Honestly, who gives a fuck about the National League? If your favorite team is an NL team, I humbly invite you to punch yourself in the dick and/or vagina. My six year old said he'd really love to see the Red Sox and the Yankees in the World Series someday. So would I.


NL fandom is full of the purists who insist the DH has no place in baseball. Sure, the DH helps keep fat fucks who can't get from home to first without grabbing a puff from an inhaler gainfully employed, but those fat fucks can actually hit the ball! Hits are exciting! If I wanted to see some idiot go down on three straight pitches I'd go throw some heaters at my kid.

Problem 3

The World Series is not (yet) played by laser-wielding sex robots.


These have been some of the problems I have with the World Series.

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