A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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Historians Think Michelangelo Made These Sculptures. I'm Not So Sure.

Illustration for article titled Historians Think Michelangelo Made These Sculptures. Im Not So Sure.

According to the BBC and others, two bronze sculptures may be the work of Renaissance man (and most annoying Ninja Turtle) Michelangelo. It is beyond the capabilities of my brain to understand how art historians decide a centuries-old work is by a famed artist or a mere knock-off, but those guys know how, and they think it's a Michelangelo. Surely it must be from Michelangelo's insecure teenager period, because look at this:

The sculptures, of naked, muscular men riding on panthers, had been attributed to Michelangelo in the 19th Century but that theory had long been dismissed.


Naked muscular men, riding panthers? There can be only one explanation: Michelangelo was trying to compensate because Summer's Eve sent a bottle of shampoo to the 16th century. (Why do you think women's products cost so much more? Time travel!) Once Michelangelo found a scholar to translate the bottle, institutional politics about masculinity and patriarchy caused him to cast sculptures of naked muscular men riding fucking panthers to show how manly he really was. If only Michelangelo had known men's and women's products are essentially the same and these gender roles are but a giant money-making scam. Well done, marketers.

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