A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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How Far Can They Punt a Football?

Illustration for article titled How Far Can They Punt a Football?

A scientific study.

Alex Gibney, Director: 5,000 yards (PED-assisted).

Jason Kelce, Philadelphia Eagles center: 53.2 yards.

Joe Eskenazi, SF Weekly: Under 48.1 yards.

Sean Pronger, former NHL player: 43 yards.

Kerry Rhodes, not-gay football player: Farther than Chris Kluwe.

Mike Tollin, filmmaker: Not as far as the Eagles' punter.

Ricky Williams, Heisman Trophy Winner: 40 yards.

Aimee Mullins, athlete/model/actor: 40 yards.

John Salley, former NBA player: 40 yards (approx).

Geoff Schwartz, New York Giants offensive lineman: 37 yards.

Rodney Fort, University of Michigan: 35 yards (wind-aided).

Spencer Hall, EDSBS: 35 yards (converted from FG).

Tim Elfrink, Miami New Times: 30 yards.

David Epstein, The Sports Gene author: 30 yards, but block-prone.

Drew Magary, author/columnist: 25 yards.

Jason Whitlock: 15 yards.

Seth Stephens-Davidowitz, New York Times: 10 yards.

Jemele Hill, ESPN: 10 yards.

Frankie Edgar, former UFC champion: One yard.

David Sally, Soccer Statistician: Far enough.

Alan Schwarz, New York Times: Not very good.

Brad Smith, wide receiver: Not very far.

Dave Zirin, The Nation: Straight shank.

Betsy Andreu, Lance Armstrong Victim: Thinks kicking is punting.

Russell S. Baxter, Fantasy Guru: Also thinks kicking is punting.

George Atallah, NFLPA: Refused to disclose.

Joe Buck, Fox: Refused to disclose.

Barry Melrose, ESPN: Refused to disclose.

Jeffery B. Fannell, former MLBPA assistant general counsel: Refused to disclose.


Wendy Thurm, FanGraphs: Refused to disclose.

Gabe Feldman, Tulane University: Refused to disclose.

Sam Sifton, New York Times: Refused to disclose.

Micah James, fantasy football's Magic Man: Refused to disclose.

Warren St. John, Nick Saban biographer: Refused to disclose.

Brian Hamilton, Chicago Tribune: Refused to disclose.

Alan Sepinwall, Star-Ledger: Refused to disclose.

Kent Babb, Washington Post: Refused to disclose.

Jonah Keri, Grantland: Refused to disclose.

Rick Scarpulla, US Military Academy: Refused to disclose.

Chris Stone, SI managing editor: Refused to disclose.

Jon Wertheim, SI executive editor: Refused to disclose.

Melinda Henneberger, Washington Post: Refused to disclose.

Kid golfers, The Short Game: Not depicted.

Jimmy Spithill, America's Cup Captain: What.

Kreskin, mentalist and magician: Is not a magician.

Nate Silver, ESPN statistician: Is not an athlete.

Norm Stamper, retired police chief/columnist: Does not know which way to aim.

Dirk Hayhurst, former MLB pitcher: Has mental issues.

Joe Campanella, degenerative gambler: Ignored taunts.

Jolie Kerr, cleaning expert:Women, amirite.

Sally Jenkins, Washington Post: Also women, amirite.

Steve Kamb, Nerd Fitness: Big fat liar.

Raysism, 2012 Commenter of the Year: TBD.

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