A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
Illustration for article titled How the Simps Stole Nothing

Every Blue
Up in Blue-ville
Liked living a lot...

But the Simps,
Who lived just South of Blue-ville,
Did NOT!

The Simps hated living! Considered it treason!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be their heads weren't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that their boots were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that their brains were two sizes too small.


Whatever the reason,
Their brain or their boots,
They stood on Obamacare Eve, hating the Blues,
Staring out from their caves with a hard, furrowed brow
At the warm-lighted windows alight in their towns.
For they knew every Blue in a Blue-ville right now
Was busy comparing their doctors around.

"They're planning their sick leave!" they snarled with a sneer.
"Obamacare's coming! It's practically here!"
Then they growled, with their Simp fingers nervously drumming,
"We MUST find a way to keep it from coming!"
For, tomorrow, they knew...


...All the Blue girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their treatments!
And then! Oh, the joys! Oh, the joys! joys! joys! joys!
That's one thing they hated! The JOYS! JOYS! JOYS! JOYS!

Then the Blues, young and old, would sit down to be healed.
And they'd heal! And they'd heal!
And they'd HEAL! HEAL! HEAL! HEAL!
They’d get antibiotics, and then vaccine shots
Which was something the Simps couldn't stand, they would not!


They'd do something they liked least of all!
Every Blue down in Blue-ville, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, with doctors a-doting.
They'd stand hand-in-hand. And the Blues would start voting!

They'd vote! And they'd vote!
And the more the Simps thought of the Blue-Voting-Threat
The more the Simps thought, "We must stop this thing yet!
"Why for forty-eight years we've put up with it now!
We MUST stop Obamacare coming!
...But HOW?"


Then they got an idea!
An awful idea!

"We know just what to do!", with a glint in their eyes.
And they made some quick Senator jackets and ties.
And they chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Simpy trick!
"With these jacket and ties, we can play politics!"


"All we need is a reason..."
The Simps looked around.
But since reasons are scarce, there were none to be found.
Did that stop the old Simps...?
No! The Simps simply said,
"If we can't find a reason, we'll make one up instead!"
So they pulled out their laptops, opened MS Paint.
And drew Hitler mustaches on the bill’s patron saint .

They loaded some Bibles
And ol’ Ayn Rand books
In a foot locker given
to them by those crooks.


Then the Simps said, "Let’s roll!"
And they all ventured forth
(On the roads that they built, by themselves),
To the north.

All the windows were dark. Pot-smoke scents filled the air.
All the Blues were all dreaming sweet dreams of healthcare
When they came to the first house in the square.
"This is stop number one," the faux Senators hissed
As they scanned the sidewalks, .38s in their fists.


Then they climbed in the window. Ripped their pants on a hem.
But they knew that these times were when God carried them.
They got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
When their spurs caught the sash and they shot off their shoes.

Then they saw the chemo drips, all ready to go.
"These treatments," they grinned, "are the first things to go!"


Then they slithered and slunk, with a grin most shit-eating,
Shutting everything down except, somehow, the treating!
Museums! And space ships! Transportation! New guns!
Field trips to zoos to see orangutuns!
And they closed them all down. And to pol-paparazzis,
Yelled, “What’s the big deal, he ‘shut down’ at Benghazi?”

Then they slunk to the kids’ rooms. They took their Head Start!
They took their free lunches! They took down their art!
They cleaned it all out, and without one ironic bone,
Said, “Your ours til you’re born, after that, on your own.”!


Then they threw all their hostages out in the cold.
"And NOW!" grinned the Simps, "We will scare up the old!"

And the Simps grabbed their ThinkPads, and started to type
When they heard a small sound like the cough of a tyke.
They turned around fast, and they saw a small Blue!
Little Blue-Ivy Carter, who was not more than two.


The Simps had been caught by this little Blue daughter
Who'd got out of bed for a gold cup of water.
She stared at the Simps and said, "Senators, why,
"Are you fucking with me? Do y’all want to die?"

But, you know, those old Simps were so deeply immersed
In their own bullshit they recalled just what they’d rehearsed!
"Why, my sweet little tot," the fake Senators lied,
"Your mommy’s friend lied and Americans died.
"So we're taking a stand on his new lie, my dear.
"If Obamacare passes, then socialism’s here."


And their fib fooled no one. But they patted her head
And they gave her a pamphlet and sent her to bed.
And when Blue-Ivy Carter went back to her wing,
They went to Ellis Island and closed the whole thing!

Then the last thing they took
As they switched off the lights,
Was the pay for staff who,
Clean up after their fights.


And the one thing they left,
Left untouched by their goons
Were the healthcare exchanges ... those dumb motherloons.

They did the same thing
To the other Blue states

Leaving nothing
But the new healthcare sites
On their plates!

It was quarter past dawn...
All the Blues, snugly tucked
All the Blues, still a-snooze
When they packed up their trucks,
Packed it up with their services! The help lines! The viewings!
The forms! And the lines! The IRS screwings!


Five hundred feet up! Up the side of Mount Rushmore,
They rode to regroup, and think what they could cut more!
"Pooh-pooh to the Blues!" they were Simp-ish-ly humming.
"They're finding out now that no healthcare is coming!
"They're just waking up! We know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"Then all the Blues down in Blue-ville will all die of the flu!"

"That's a fate," grinned the Simps,
"That we simply must see!"
So they dug in their cushions. And turned on their TVs.
And they did see some news, breaking on the lamestream.
So they ran to their blogs to see, was it a dream?...


But the news wasn't wrong!
Why, the Blues sounded merry!
It couldn't be so!
But it WAS merry! VERY!

They stared down at Blue-ville!
The Simps scratched their heads!
Then they shook with surprise!
That the Blues weren’t all dead!


Every Blue down in Blue-ville, the tall and the small,
Was enrolling in healthcare! Without them at all!
They HADN'T stopped Obamacare from coming!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the Simps, with their bandaged up, red, blown-off toe,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be so?
It came without call reps to find your tax bracket!
"It came without trips to go see Fonzie’s jacket!"
And they puzzled for seconds, `till their puzzlers were sore.
Then the Simps thought of something they hadn't before!
"Maybe healthcare," they thought, "isn’t something to fight.
"Maybe healthcare...perhaps...is considered a right!"


And what happened then...?
Well...in Blue-ville they say,
That even a dumb clock
Is right twice a day!
And the minute their tricorne hats felt not so tight,
They whizzed with their pens through the bright morning light
And they brought back the funding! And shook hands on it firm!
And they...

Campaigned on healthcare next term!

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