Let me have your attention for a moment. What are we talking about here in Sidespin? Bitching about LeBron, bitching about bitching about LeBron, some sons of bitches arguing in the additional discussions, horoscopes and so forth. Let's talk about something fucking important.
Put that coffee down, guy making a joke about LeBron's hairline. Coffee's for FUNNY PEOPLE only. Do you think I'm fucking with you? I'm not fucking with you. I'm here from the FEATURED DISCUSSIONS. I'm on a mission of mercy.

Here's the good news: your commenting privileges are revoked. The bad news is you have one week to get them back. Oh, I have your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding an incentive to the Deadspin Commenting Tournament. As you all know, first prize is eternal glory and maybe a trophy Raysism made by hand. Second prize is a set of steak knives. Third prize is you have to LEAVE DEADSPIN FOREVER. Get it? You have articles. FIND SOMETHING FUNNY IN THE ARTICLES AND COMMENT ON THEM. You can't find something funny in the articles, you can't find something funny in shit, you are shit, hit the bricks, pal, and beat it, cause you're leaving Deadspin.

Don't tell me the articles are weak. YOU'RE WEAK. Look at this.

ABF

ABF. A, Always. B, Be. F, Funny. ALWAYS BE FUNNY. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but there was nothing good for C.

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You see this watch? It's a Casio. You know how many +1s I got last month? MORE THAN YOU GET IN A YEAR. You? You're nothing. Nice guy? Don't care. Great father? Write Sidespin articles about your kids. Good lawyer? WE'RE NOT HERE TO LAWYER. You wanna be here? BE FUNNY. ALWAYS BE FUNNY. THIS ISN'T ABUSE.

So go and be funny, gentlemen. The articles, the +1s, they're out there. They're waiting for you. If you can't get them, I have no sympathy for you. Be a loser in a bar. "Oh, I used to comment on Deadspin, it's tough." No one cares. See these articles? These are the articles about dudes named "Deuce" who got caught shitting in public. You don't get these articles. These articles are for FUNNY PEOPLE. GET OUT THERE AND BE FUNNY.