Who the fuck are you? Who made you the arbiter of Deadspin commenting?
No one. No one made me the arbiter of Deadspin commenting. I've been here a while, though, and hopefully I can help guide you through the culture of Deadspin commenting. Maybe I've got an antiquated view on the way it should be (GET OFF MY LAWN!), but this can be a unique place on the internet and I'd like it to remain that way if we can keep it.
Also, I made a funny comment once. Yay for me.
I am not the longest tenured commenter around here (Clue Heywood beats us all). I am not (by far) the funniest. Eddie Murray Sparkles, Steve_U, Raysism, Bronzehammer, Mantis Tobboggan MD, Amazing Sneijderman, Rare Endangered Vuvuzelas, SaveToFavorites, Theodore Donald Keratosas, or Bevraj of Choice are all funnier, smarter people than me. There's more that I'm leaving out, but those guys are great. Raysism is okay, I guess. I recommend looking at their comments as a start.
Why can't I just write whatever the hell I want on here?
You can. Nick Denton made it so. Doesn't mean you should.
However, Deadspin comment section has always been an amazing place for people to make sports jokes. That's been the culture of Deadspin comments since I've been here, around late 2007ish. I don't know of many (any?) other comment sections on the internet that have been privy so much talent. I feel lucky to have received +1s from guys like Sean Newell, Tom Ley, and Albert Burneko back when they were just commenters.
The original iteration of commenters wrote the Commentist Manifesto, which laid out the "rules for commenting." Some of those rules are not applicable today (who's Tsetse fly), but let's look at some of the good ones:
Thou shalt treat thy commenting ability like the privilege it is, and not as a forum for thy stream-of-consciousness.
Do I care that you once rooted for the Blackhawks until 3am on your semester abroad in Russia? Unless it contained you taking body shots off of Vlad Putin's mistress's nipple rings, no.
Don't get me wrong: it's not that it isn't a good story. It's just that bar ought to be high for the commenting section. If you've got a story like that, save it for DUAN. Or, even better, post it to your very own Kinja site and share it with your friends. That's what the format is for.
Thou shalt make references creative. Sometimes Anchorman quotes work ... many more times not so much.
Do you have a Simpson's quote you think is applicable? Is it an original and creative application of the Simpson's quote or is it a hackneyed "Hey I'm going to put that Homer quote about drinking into this Patrick Kane post"? If it's the latter, think again.
Thou shalt not comment without saying anything interesting (Think before thou type, then don't type it, then come back in a couple minutes when thou hast a solid poop joke to add).
This is a good one and the most applicable to the format of today's Deadspin commenting. Be interesting. Be insightful. Be bold. Don't troll, obviously, but having a well thought-out comment that isn't a joke is good. Please share that.
Somewhere along the lines, the Commentist Manifesto got boiled down to "Don't be unfunny", which was the prevailing norm for a long time and, in my opinion, still ought to rule the day. Obviously it isn't the only rule anymore, so insightful, unfunny comments are welcome.
Doesn't this result in just a big circle jerk where you all just sit back and "+1" your friends?
YES! And no. Do I give a lot of the +1s to other commenters who've been on here a long time? Yes! A lot of those folks know what they are doing and they are hilarious.
That being said, I will readily +1 any funny comment. I can't tell you what is funny and what is not. Despite what some folks think, there is no formula for being a funny commenter. The only successful gags are original ones.
The format of Deadspin, like that of Twitter, typically lends itself to one-liners. If you think you have a funny thought, great! Make it as short and sweet as possible. That being said, there's certainly room for long form jokes.
We also welcome people into the circle jerk quickly. Look at this fellow, DougExeter, he went from an unknown to basically the funniest guy on the site in a week.
You can do it too. You can't be lazy and post Arrested Development quotes all day. You have to try. Really, that's all I ever ask of any commenter. Just try to be funny or insightful.
Aren't you that asshole that said this?
Yes, I am. After a night of reflection, I'm sorry I said it. It was a passive-aggressive, petty move to make that comment. I myself ignored a rule from the Manifesto:
Thou shalt not personally attack people not named Tsetsefly.
It was a cheap jab and not at all the way I should have handled the situation. I was in a pissy mood and was a jerk about it. (Again, who the hell is Tsetsefly?)
For what it's worth, FunkFactor5 did disagree on a mildly funny, insensitive comment I made a few months ago. The comment itself is not important. FunkFactor5, I understood your objection to it. I dismissed the replies because I didn't want the comment to turn into a referendum on the disabled. I am also sorry for your personal difficulties.
I GET that it's a terrible thing and insensitive for me to be making jokes about. This world is an awful place at times. Comedy is my coping mechanism. If I make jokes about something, be it about death, racism, or sexism, it gives me emotional distance from it. I cannot make these jokes with my family members or (most of) my friends.
On Deadspin, however, they are accepted, even encouraged. The shock is part of the joke. The funniest comment I've ever read on this site is an insensitive remark that still makes me laugh today. That and hot dog gif to the face.
You're an idiot.
Hey! That's not even a question!