A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

How To Fuck With People Who Weren't Smart Enough To Go To Law School

SCENE: Office of the world's fastest, smartest, most motherfuckin' funniest attorney you ever did see. Creates a new email.

Me: We need a conference call. When are you dumbfucks available?

Engineer: Anytime between 9 and 2:30.

Architect: That works for me too.

Project Manager: I can make it.

Me: [clicks “Post” on new Sidespin article; senses silence] Huh? Oh, um... so it sounds like 4:00 works?


Engineer: I'm, um, not available.

Architect: Maybe.

Project Manager: Nope.

Me: So 4 is out? Do you guys like having a job?

Silence: [overwhelms]

Me: [sighs] Ok, how about tomorrow at 8:30?

Engineer: Works for me.

Architect: Me too. Here's the call in number.

Project Manager: Talk to you then.

Me: [resumes commenting for remainder of afternoon]

8:30: [finishes 9 mile run]

9:45: [comes into being]

Me: [calls Engineer]

Me: Where are you, you glorified Lego builder? We're all waiting!

Engineer: Durrr, I called at 8:30, boss. No one was there.

Me: Oh, um, I changed it to 9:30. I had some very important stuff come up. Guess you’re not important enough for me to tell these sorts of things.

Me: Anyway, I can't believe you're late to this. Everyone is really pissed at you. We've all got things to do, you know.

Engineer: [dials in]

Me: [puts phone back into garbage can; starts writing new Sidespin article]

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