I love to not get hired. It’s my passion. Whereas some people may work jobs they truly enjoy, and others work jobs they may hate for a long time, I prefer submitting applications that will ultimately be rejected, and then putting the meat of the content on a website later, for free.
So, here is my unsuccessful application for a Someecards contributor position, a prompt that required 10-15 very specific gags in the Someecards format (which I will not post because I don’t know maybe that would make them mad or something, and they were nice). This is not what I would say necessarily is my strongest style, but there’s enough humor there to make it worth posting and embarrassing myself over. To the gags!
- Condolences to all the government employees just now finding out the Pope doesn’t sell indulgences anymore
- Happy trails to the cool Pope who as it turns out is exactly as cool as most 80 year olds
- Here’s to to my ex-wife the original Pizza Rat
- My favorite thing about fall is when my coworkers stop complaining about the heat and start complaining about the cold
- Thanks in advance to my children who are too young to know which Halloween candies are the good ones
- Happy Halloween to the costume store in the crappy mall
- Here’s to pumpkin spice vodka, the drink everyone is going to pretend to hate this year
- May you enjoy explaining your computer job to your family over Thanksgiving dinner as much as you loved going through airport security at 5AM
- Merry Christmas to the old creep who grows a Santa beard all year long so he can look good for pictures with your kids
- Let’s hear it for eggnog, everyone’s least favorite way to get plastered
- Merry Christmas to those huge ribbons rich people put on their gift cars for no reason
- Let’s all gather round to sing Baby It’s Cold Outside, the first ransom note with a melody
- Merry Christmas to fruitcake, the garbage dessert of the past
Image of greeting cards via Ardenn from Wikipedia