A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

How To Sex

Illustration for article titled How To Sex

I’ve been enjoying The Adequate Man, a blog designed to help average dudes take care of themselves and their things in a manner more befitting a member of modern society, which is to say it helps them get laid. But what do you do when the fuck-moment is imminent? When it’s time to prepare the launchpad and blast off to the Sex Planet? Unless I’ve missed it (too busy fucking), The Adequate Man has not yet run a sex advice post. Well, your good buddy The Math Major is here to ::waggles eyebrows insanely, it looks like I’m having a medical emergency:: fill that hole.


Here’s how to fuck good. Note that the advice below is written for heterosexual men; I’m assuming gay men learn all they need from the various pamphlets and instructional videos the federal government mails them.

1. Prepare your home. When your lady walks into your pile of old boots single cinderblock in the middle of a busy highway sewer nook house or apartment, you want the smell of bacon to be so overpowering as to drive every other thought from her head. “This is outrageous, is bacon all you ever eat?!” she might wail, which is woman-code for This dude gets plenty of protein for his huge muscles, can’t wait until we smash. If the sexy-times are happening at her place instead of yours, bring bacon and cook it over there, but do it nonchalantly so it looks like you didn’t plan it out.


2. Deactivate your screen saver so she can see you’re running the most up-to-date version of Arch Linux. Nothing sends a woman straight to Hornytown like a properly maintained OS. And if she sees you running Linux? She’ll be asking you to hard drive your RAM in her USB port in no time, to which you will respond, “That doesn’t even make sense, please learn what those words mean before you use them, I take computing very seriously, as you can tell from my fully up-to-date Arch Linux install.” If the sexy-times are happening at her place instead of yours, bring over your desktop computer and hook it up on her kitchen table before proceeding with the above step, but do it nonchalantly so it looks like you didn’t plan it out.

3. Ask her what she likes. Sex is all about pleasuring your partner - how are you gonna do that if you don’t know what pleasures her? The more information you know, the better. If she likes “a man who’s good with his tongue,” ask her what “good” means and argue with her for hours until she agrees that you having a tongue at all is what she meant by that. If she has a favorite position, have her diagram it for you so that you can explain in more detail why the doctor says you can’t do that one. Ask what her favorite childhood memory is and see if she wants to make a porn version of it.


4. Initiate the intimacy. When the air is dripping with the discharge of sexual tension, when both of your bodies are booking one-way tickets to the Republic of Intercourse, send a letter to her father explaining your desire to romantically couple with his daughter. He will respond with an outline of the dowry; if his offerings are acceptable to your estate, you may proceed with courtship of the lady, which will consist of you leaning into her ear and whispering, “I’m jonesin’ for a bonesin’, babe.”

5. Yell out a cool sex phrase. So it’s happening. Your dingus is in her hatch or whatever. Congratulations! This guide worked. If you want to kick it up a notch, Guy Fieri-style, try out one of the following awesome sex sayings:

  • “Let’s kick it up a notch, Guy Fieri-style.”
  • “What a sex we’re doing!”
  • “This is it, baby. This is the sex you’ve always dreamed of.”
  • “Albert Einstein may have invented relativity, but he never came up with equations to describe how good this sex is.”
  • “I wouldn’t stop even if my mom called. Or my dear, sweet father, whom I love.”

I hope you enjoyed these steamy sex tips.

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