A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

Hubris on the Field of Battle: A Cautionary Tale

First match of the tournament and look at this geek-ass motherfucker in front of me. Mom dressed him, stupid haircut, Wal-Mart glasses ass bitch. Nerdass bitch. Grinning like a damn puppy. "Good luck!" Nerdass chirps as he reaches across the table to shake my hand. Good luck, I think. Motherfucker, you ain't seen chess played at this level. "You too," I say. You'll need it. I'm the baddest seventh grader you've ever seen, homes.

I'm whipping this cocksucker's ass from the get-go. I fork him and grab a rook, and it's not long before I trade a knight for a queen. Soon I own two-thirds of the board, and I can see how the match is gonna end. This motherfucker doesn't deserve my attention, I think. So I take it away from him.

It's in the moment my fingers touch the knight that I notice his pawn catty-corner to my queen. Shit. When did that get there? Shit. Fuck damn shit. I touched the knight; I have to play it. Nerdass across from me snickers. I lose the queen. My next breath is a little shakier than I'd like. Okay. Doesn't matter. Calm down. You own this nerd. But this motherfucker keeps grinning at me and I just want to kill him, just jump across the table and end this little piece of shit. I'm hot, I can't focus. I overcompensate and get too aggressive. More mistakes. I glance up; my mom looks worried. Fuck off, Mom. Don't need your shit right now, Mom. More mistakes. More mistakes. I want to throw up. I want to jump across the table and wrench Nerdass's mouth open and puke black blood down his pencildick throat. This can't be happening.


The match ends in a draw. You know what happens when you don't chew up the meat they put in front of you for the first match? I'm in a lower-tier bracket for the whole fucking tournament, and the highest I can finish is fourth fucking place. "Congratulations," said the baldass virgin history teacher as he handed me my dinky trophy. "Thank you," I say. This piece of shit is going directly into the damn trash.

Nerdass doesn't place, because of course he doesn't, because he's a suck-ass garbage asshole.

But he drew me. He, mayonnaise ass little peanut allergy ass Bunny Bread ass bitch, drew me, the number one middle school chess bastard in the county. Shoulda just fucked him like the bitch he is, I think as my mom and I head out to the car. I guess every dog has his day.

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