There are a few things in this world that I have an (arguably) irrational hatred towards. I hate maple syrup. I hate Norman Rockwell paintings. I hate people who pronounce eggs as “ayygs,” and those who pronounce milk as “melk.” However one hatred looms larger over them all - I hate Phil Collins. It’s become a running joke with my friends, but they really understand why I hate him. They know these roots run deep and strong, and nothing short of divine intervention will ever stem the tide of my loathing. I hate Phil Collins, and you should too.

First, you have to know that I grew up in the 80s. The music scene back then was diverse, to say the least. The pop charts reflected the time, dominated with mostly one-hit wonders like Kajagoogoo and A-ha. This is nothing new, and each generation has been more or less defined by the popular music of the time. However Phil Collins stood out like a massive zit in the middle of an adolescent forehead. He didn’t belong there. He was the product of the first MTV generation. Phil Collins has been lucky his whole career, and when the luck ran out he was finally exposed as the no-talent asshat that he is.

In 1970, Collins joined the groundbreaking group Genesis, fronted by the charismatic and mercurial Peter Gabriel. By the year 1975, Gabriel had left to pursue a solo career, leaving Collins to pick up lead vocal duties. That’s like trading in a Lamborghini for a Prius. The band went from groundbreaking to pedestrian overnight. While playing with Genesis after Gabriel’s departure, Collins flitted between the band and solo projects. Here’s where my hatred really takes hold.

Phil Collins’ solo career is the equivalent of an imitation sugar packet that’s had coffee spilled on it, dried and crusted, and been shoved back into the sugar holder just waiting to ruin somebody’s day. He released multiple albums of forgettable material, including a cover of “You can’t hurry love” and “A Groovy kind of Love.” He also went the Kenny Loggins route of movie soundtracks. Collins recorded songs for “White Nights” and “Against All Odds.” These songs, like the movies, sucked.

Another egregious aspect of stupid fucking Phil Collins is his choice of album cover art. They’re all just pictures of his stupid fat bald fucking moon face. He’s already uglier than a bag full of smashed assholes, but now he has to plaster that fucking mug on every single album cover? Fuck that.

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Third, this asshole thought it was some big fucking deal that he played both Live Aid concerts in 1985. He played Wembley, and then flew to Philadelphia and was all like (pretend this is a British accent) “Oy, I was just over in the Queen’s England, guv’nuh, and now I’m here in Philadelphia.” Oooh, big deal - you know how to ride on an airplane. Welcome to the rest of the world where we’ve been doing this and not bragging about it since fucking Kitty Hawk. Fuck him, fuck that.

Also, he had the balls to play with Led Zeppelin at Live Aid. Who the fuck would ever equate Phil Collins with Zep? He was sitting in for John fucking Bonham! JOHN BONHAM! He was soundly rebuffed by critics and fans alike, and had the tiny little stupid balls to call out Zep, saying they “weren’t very good.” Phil Collins called Led Zeppelin not very good. What the actual fuck?

The tiny little annoying fuckwad also tried acting. He “starred” in a “movie” called “Buster” in 1988. I guess all the talented actors were busy. It was the story of some tiny asshole who had some small part in the Great Train Robbery. The movie grossed just over $500,000. Total. Hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!

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I have a hybrid in my golf bag that I call “The Collins” because I hate it so much. I’m still working on finding out if it’s legal to put The Collins on a bed of sticks, set it on fire, and send it down a river. When I do it, I’ll take pictures. Fuck that club. Fuck Phil Collins.

Finally, for some reason people seem to think “In the Air Tonight” is some sort of deep, classic, mysterious song. It’s not. It’s not about some asshole watching some other asshole drowning somebody and the voyeur not doing anything to help. That’s just an urban legend. Phil Collins is not that clever. He never was. He never will be.

In conclusion, Phil Collins is an unlikable asshole. He’s the musical equivalent of Forrest Gump, falling ass-backwards into success when there’s no reason, logical or illogical, to explain this phenomenon. Fuck him.