A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

Scott Norwood's Agent

85 Broville Manor Rd

Saskatoon, Saskatchewan SK S7N 1M6 (Seriously, what is this shit? I feel like it probably makes more sense, but what the fuck?)


Phone : +1 (743) 836-2815

E-mail: snank@email.skeh.edu


Doctor of Philosophy in Chemistry,8/2010 - Present (Expected Completion: May, 2015)

University of Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, Canada

Dissertation Advisor: Dr. Paul R. Bayer

Dissertation: Ebola, you guys, did it make Robin Williams kill himself?

Bachelor of Science in Biochemistry: 8/2002 - 8/2006

University of Manitoba, Ann Arbor, Manitoba, Canada

Professional Experience

Graduate Research Assistant, 8/2012 - Present

University of Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, Canada

Department of Chemistry and Biochemistry

Advisor: Dr. Paul R. Bayer

  • Determining the structures of aspartate semialdehyde dehydrogenase from Francisella tularensis, dihydrodipicolinate synthase from Bacteriodes thetaiotamicron, and dihydrodipicolinate reductases from Vibrio vulnificus and Mycobacterium tuberculosis.
  • Examining the state of mind the outbreak of Ebola had on Robin Williams. I mean, he was a funny gentle human being who only wanted to make people laugh (Death to Smoochy) and cry (What Dreams May Come?). Then there's Ebola.
  • A LOT of other shit that didn't work, so I threw a tantrum like a petulant child and now just pretend it doesn't exist.

Graduate Research Assistant, 8/2010 - 8/2012

University of Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, Canada

Department of Chemistry and Biochemistry

Advisor: Dr. Jeremy Lin

  • Designed and synthesized a relationship with an adviser that was cool, but got worried he'd just jerk me around and it would take like 7 years to graduate, so I switched labs 2 years in.
  • Characterized the nanoparticles. That's it, fuckers. I know nanoparticles.

Research Technician, Senior, 10/2006 - 6/2010

University of Manitoba, Ann Arbor, Manitoba, Canada

Manitoba Center for Very Small Things

Supervisor: Dr. Pikup Andropov (tear)

Principal Investigator: Dr. Best Boss Ever

  • Carried out preclinical studies for the development of intranasal miscellaneous white powders, officer.
  • Work led to a handful of arrests, but miscellaneous white powders are not against the law. Unlike crack. Crack destroys communities.

Lab Assistant, 8/2004 - 10/2006

University of Manitoba, Ann Arbor, Manitoba, Canada

Department of Environmental Health

Supervisors: Dr. Melissa *REDACTED*

Principal Investigator: Dr. I. P. Freely

  • Worked on a study looking at South East Manitoba exposure and risk of bladder cancer.
  • This study area included Flint, Manitoba. Dude, don't go to Flint, Manitoba. It's the only place I've seen worse than Gary, Ontario.
  • Seriously, some one worked with pee. I worked on toenails. It was gross.

Peer Reviewed Publications

Active on Twitter sometimes.

Professional Presentations

Yelled at guy for catcalling one time. Honest.

Scientific Techniques

  • Macromolecular X-ray Crystallography - That sounds cool, doesn't it? Well, I will tell you this. A fly once got into the hutch (the lead and concrete bunker where the X-rays are), unbeknownst to me, while I was using a high energy beamline. I was pissed because my shit wasn't working and it was like two in the goddamn morning and I'd been working for like 14 hours, so I BLASTED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT SAMPLE. At this point, the fly was just along for the ride and I IRRADIATED THE SHIT OUT OF THAT FLY (by accident). Somewhere around Chicago, Ontario there is a fly that I exposed to crazy amounts of ionizing radiation. Is it dead? Maybe. Is it marmol heater? Probably. We'll never know for sure.
  • Protein Binding Analysis - This is boring.
  • Bacterial Protein Expression and Purification- E. coli expression systems can produce almost anything you want. Yeast and insect cell culture can cover a lot more, but I don't use these methods because they are hard.
  • Immunology – Ebola Linked Inevitable Secretions Asshole (ELISA)
  • Animal Care and Use – Seems immoral, you guys.
  • Nanoparticle Analysis – Laser Diffraction Particle Sizing, Zeta Potential Measurement, Dynamic Light Scattering Particle Sizing, Static Light Scattering Particle Sizing, Size Exclusion Chromatography (These are real things)
  • Virology – Chicken Egg and Mammalian Cell Culture Viral Propagation, Viral Purification and Handling
  • Side Note: Growing and purifying Herpes involves freezing and thawing an infected mammalian cell culture (I forget which cell line). The media the cells are in contains a pH indicator that makes it look roughly like a cherry slushy. The authors of the protocol refer to this IN THE FORMAL LITERATURE as a "Herpes Slurpy," which is still the most digusting name I've come across.

Teaching Experience, Graduate Teaching Assistant

University of Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, Canada

Chemistry 105 - General Chemistry for Nursing Majors (3 Credits)

Synopsis: Chemicals are a real thing?

Chemistry 115 - General Chemistry I (3 Credits)

Synopsis: Chemicals are a real thing.

Chemistry 117 - General Chemistry II (3 Credits)

Synopsis: Chemicals involve math?

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