A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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Jay Cutler goes to Space PART 1

Illustration for article titled Jay Cutler goes to Space PART 1

One time there was this guy who played quarterback for the Chicago Bears named Jay Cutler. He wasn’t very handsome and he wasn’t very good at playing quarterback and most people hated him and plus he also had diabetes. Then one fall day, a scientist approached him in a white lab coat and said, “Hiya, Jay.” and Jay said, “how did you know my name?”


“I’m a science man,” the science man said, “take a look at my lab coat.”

“Oh wow!”

“Yes. It’s very white.”

“Just like me!”

“You’re also white, that is true, Jay. Anyway, shut up for a second. I’m here because the people of earth don’t appreciate you.”


“They don’t?” asked Jay. He was surprised by this because he was a very, very stupid person. “Kristin says all the people who boo are just pretending to be ghosts because Halloween is my favorite holiday!”

“Great, great. Do you want to go to outer space, Jay?”

“Oh boy! I love space!”

“Wonderful. Come with me,” the scientist said, draping a soft, white blanket over Jay’s shoulders.


“Will I be back in time for dinner?”


“This is great!”

* * *

The ship did not seem skyworthy to Jay. He couldn’t hide his concern. He kicked its cardboard-side and made an exaggerated frowny. It was simply a large refrigerator box.


“You’re a funkyman, Jay. I sense your concern,” the science man said, “but all missions are dangerous. All danger is worthwhile if you are pursuing great truths.”

“I like to peruse truth.”

“Yes, of course you do!”

Jay climbed into the refrigerator box and examined the thruster panels. He assumed the knobs and buttons would be very complicated, but they were just drawings inside the box. The top of the box closed and it was very dark inside.


Oh gee, well, I guess it’s dark in space, Jay thought to himself.

He heard a loud beeping and felt the box tumble and turn. Wish I had a seatbelt. I guess there’s no seatbelt laws in space! In space, nobody gets mad at me for throwing a dumb ball. Space is gonna be grrrrrrrreeeaaatttt!


“Which button is up?” Jay asked. “I want to go up.”

There was no response. The spaceship rumbled for nine hours.

What a long mission. Wish I brought some Slim Jims with me. Slim Jims are good.

* * *


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