Derek Jeter screamed. His butthole also screamed, with farts. The farts screamed into a metal tube which carried them into The Great Flatulator, an ancient machine powered by certain gases — and Buttworld's only source of energy. They, the Buttworlders, always knew their planet would run out of gas someday. Literally. But it was happening now, under King Methane's rule, and he refused to be the one to oversee the slow death of his people.
To make a long story short: As I'm sure you've noticed, there have been no reports of alien abductions since Derek Jeter's rookie year of fucking dominating baseball. Prior to this, the Buttworlders abducted humans and performed experiments on them. Ever wonder why alien abductees say they got anal probed? Well, they did - the Buttworlders were trying to give humans powerful farts, so they could harvest us as fart-producing slaves.
The last experiment they tried resulted in the fart zombies. We all know that Derek Jeter, who made 14 All-Star teams during his unparalleled career, farted Zombie Bust (lol) to death and saved the world, but this was actually also sort of bad too — because King Methane saw the whole thing.
"He is The One," whispered the King, as Jeter laid waste to his creation, via his ass.
And so they abducted Jeter. How does the coolest and most bad-ass dude in the world get abducted with no one noticing? Simple: The Buttworlders have time-independent spatial tunneling technology. You see, long ago the Buttworlders discovered that the solution to a certain time-independent Schrodinger-type partial differential equation resulted in waveform collapse of the spatial Fourier transform - using local coordinates, of course - and this eliminated the time variable on a region of space defined by the initial conditions of the differential equation. This enabled the Buttworlders to fucking teleport. They teleported to Jeets's bedroom while he was sleeping, knocked him out with a serum, and replaced him with Fartfucker, one of King Methane's top lieutenants who had surgery to look exactly like Derek Jeter.
Speaking of Derek Jeter, he was still screaming. They had been pumping fart drugs into him from day one, and by now his farts were so powerful, they were almost uncontrollable. Derek Jeter, often cited as one of the most eligible bachelors in the world, felt like his butt hole was going to rip in half. Behind him, The Great Flatulator glowed red with energy.
"More! More drugs!" King Methane screamed at his scientists. The roar of Derek Jeter's farts filled the room. His scientists screamed with fright. Everyone was screaming a lot.
"Your Foulness! If we give him more drugs, he might die! Or worse, his farts could rupture the link between him and the Flatulator! That much raw fartpower would kill us all!"
"I COMMAND YOU TO GIVE DEREK JETER MORE FART DRUGS," screamed King Methane. He had gone insane with power. "Soon, The Great Flatulator will be at capacity, and its true purpose will be revealed, and I will rule the universe!" The scientists exchanged nervous glances while screaming.
And so they gave Derek the drugs. As the drugs entered Jeter's bloodstream, he felt a familiar feeling — the warmth inside his ass, telling of his growing power. It happened every time. But the feeling became stronger and stronger. Jeter's ass had never felt so alive.
Jeter opened his eyes. They glowed pure gold, just like his nickname, Golden Eyes Jeter.
Something badass was about to happen.
Fartfucker sat on Derek Jeter's balcony in New York. He looked out over Yankee Stadium - the place he had gone to play a game he didn't really understand over the past year - and sighed.
"Sometimes, I feel like a tool. Like King Methane doesn't really care about me. Like whatever I do is just sort of a dramatic pause before the real action begins."
There was a massive explosion. Really, more like an assive explosion, because it came from Jeets's ass. The scientists standing nearby evaporated instantly. The others, including King Methane, turned to look at Jeter.
He was free of The Flatulator. His precise nuclear fart freed him from his fartsuit and severed the link between him and the device. Raw fartpower spewed into the room; anyone who smelled it felt their head explode.
"GET HIM!" screamed King Methane. Several scientists rushed forward to restrain Jeter. Jeter, much like Neo in The Matrix, looked at them like lol look at these noobs.
And then: He burped. The scientists ran forward right into the burp cloud. Each aged 1000 years in an instant and collapsed into dust.
"You fucked up, King Methane. Thanks to your fart drugs, I'm more powerful than I've ever been. God, who knows how many home runs I'm gonna fuckin' crush next year? Anyway, smell ya later, idiot." Jeter fart-propelled himself to the nearby spaceport.
King Methane watched all this happen. He absorbed Jeter's vicious owns with a smile. He even let Jeter escape to the spaceport, where he was surely planning to steal a ship and return to Earth.
None of it mattered. Jeter may have freed himself from his prison, but not before he put the Great Flatulator at max capacity. There was enough fartpower within the Flatulator to destroy solar systems.
And that's exactly what he planned to do. He spoke into his wrist communicator. "General? Prepare the full battle fleet, and prepare the Supermassive Buttship to be fitted with the Great Flatulator. I'll pilot her myself."
"As you command, my King," came a garbled voice. "Destination?"
"Earth. You can run, butt (lol) you can't hide, Jeter. In fact, you've doomed your entire galaxy. The Milky Way is about to become... The Shitty Fucked-Up Way."
"Nice one, sir."