A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks

LEAKED: Obama's Address to the American People Regarding Syria

Good evening.

For over a year now a terrible conflict has been waged in Syria. A government regime run by Syrian President Bashar Al-Assad has attempted to silence the desires of its own citizens for greater freedom, economic opportunity, and democracy. President Assad has, on many occasions, authorized his military to use deadly force against demonstrators and innocent citizens alike. A coalition of rebel fighters has banded together to fight against the governmental forces, and the country has begun to spiral into a violent civil war.


I, like many of my fellow Americans, have watched the situation unfold with great concern and sadness for the many decent people of Syria. Everyday Syrians want nothing more than what those of us in the rest of world desire: a peaceful life, an opportunity to raise a family, a good job and a country that protects and preserves those ideals. Instead, many thousands of Syrian families are now heading for border crossings into Lebanon, Iraq and Turkey.

As they stream out of the country, there is another stream of fighters and weapons flowing in. Members of al-Qaeda and other violent terrorist sects have seeped into Syria, eager to take up arms and perhaps help topple the government and install a new government with their own agendas in mind.

Several weeks ago, I made a statement that the use of chemical weapons by the Assad regime represented a "red line" beyond which the United States would no longer stand by and observe these atrocities. Last week, regrettably, it appears that such an attack occurred. Many Syrians, including many innocent civilians, were admitted to hospitals with the telltale signs of chemical poisoning. Over 100 people were killed in the attack.

Over the past week, I've consulted with military advisers, senators, congresspeople and intelligence community experts to evaluate a response to the chemical weapon attack. The United States will not stand by and watch while a brutal dictator slaughters his own people. Beginning tonight, on my orders, the United States will begin delivering food and medical aid to all people affected by the Syrian conflict. The US will not rest until we can ensure that not one innocent person will die in a conflict zone or in a refugee camp from starvation, recoverable injury or preventable illness.


Let me be perfectly clear: our capacity for good is immeasurable, our appetite for peace is insatiable, our ability to positively influence is limitless. We must set an example for peace.

We can ensure that supplies such as water, food, shelter, bedding, and clothing are available to every single Syrian inside and outside Syrian borders. We are beginning right now to construct a network of planes, ships, trucks and people that will hopefully serve as a pipeline of necessities and comfort to all peace-loving Syrians.


To the good people of Lebanon, Iraq, and Turkey: the world thanks you for admitting refugees from this terrible conflict. We will work to ensure that people from all affected areas are taken care of until peace returns to Syria and those families can return to their homes.

Now, I know that there is a small minority of Americans who believe that we ought to use military force against the Assad regime in response to the chemical attacks. To those people I ask: why now? In the past year, over 100,000 Syrians have died in this conflict. Are we to believe that ALL of those people were valid military targets and only now, with these latest deaths, have the requirements for a military response been met?


Even if you do believe that now is the time to engage the Syrian government in military attacks, it is not merely the job of the President to make that decision. Any military action that does not directly address an imminent threat to the United States or her allies requires the vote of the Congress. In this case, it seems that there simply is no support in Congress to drag the US military into another military conflict in the Middle East.

Senseless war is not part of the American doctrine. I will not lead this country into a conflict that must be fought by faraway forces over faraway ideas.


Tonight, we mourn those that have perished in the Syrian conflict and we pray that peace may find its way into the opposing forces of Syria. Tomorrow, we take solace in the fact that we will be using American might for good.

Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the United States of America.

LOLZ. Just kidding. He's actually just going to tell us why it's a good idea to fire a bunch of missiles at Syria.

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