There are songs that are universally reviled. If you heard them on the radio, you would drive your car into a telephone pole to get them to stop playing. Some of the worst musical creations of all time.

The above is not one of them.

But what if, and bear with me here, what if you just kind of happened to maybe somewhat like one of these songs. As in your toes begin uncontrollably tapping while others are shoving red-hot fire pokers into their ears. As in your very humming a few bars of the chorus has proven to be the best cure for people finally going to visit their ailing grandmothers.

These seemingly impossible contradictions exist. And I want to hold your hand as we get through this. Together. I'll go first. I don't need an intervention, I swear.