A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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Marshawn Lynch vs. Deflategate: Which Is Worse?

Illustration for article titled Marshawn Lynch vs. Deflategate: Which Is Worse?

Both Marshawn Lynch's silent treatment and the Patriots' Deflategate scandal are ruining football and corrupting America's youth. But which is worse? Keep these points in mind as you decide:

MARSHAWN LYNCH

  • Petulant millionaire crybaby wuss lazy bum coward who runs over 275 lb. professional strongmen who want to murder him for a living
  • "Beast Mode" nickname a huge turn-on for my wife
  • Regularly deprives world of incisive commentary only available from men trained from adolescence to play a game that ruins your brain
  • Preparing to integrate with Richard Sherman to become The Chaos Paradox Thug
  • Dickgrab move makes me realize how much bigger my wife probably thinks his dick is than mine
  • Strong, silent type, just like John Wayne, except it's a bad thing. I wonder why that is
  • Doesn't always put the seat down
  • Vince Wilfork heard about his nice grill and he doesn't want to tackle him and he would rather just be friends and hang out
  • Seriously, can he stop doing the dickgrab move, my wife is visibly horny
  • Last name too on-the-nose for Boston media
  • Beloved by coach Pete Carroll, even though "he may have done 9/11, I mean who can really say for sure"
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DEFLATEGATE

  • It made the balls have less air in them
  • Worst league scandal since the economy-crippling corporate welfare every single team receives every day
  • Patriots forced to play next game with balls inflated until they explode
  • Tarnished the otherwise sterling reputation of the NFL
  • Saved ESPN from talking about actual sports
  • The footballs. They didn't have as much air
  • Desecrated the memory of noble pigs who dreamed of becoming footballs, "fully-inflated, just like my pa"
  • Air let out of balls affected atmospheric pressure, causing game-time temperature to rise 0.000000000000000000001 degrees Celsius
  • Forces Roger Goodell to perform the highly complex, rigorously codified, arcane art of issuing a just and fair punishment, as always
  • Caused a visibly distressed Rob Gronkowski to lament that "they're not meat all the way through"

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