Hello again. It’s been a while since I wrote for the ol’ Gawrker. The reason I’m writing again is that lately I’ve got some replies to my absolutely correct and factual article about how much I hate Phil Collins and why you should as well. The commenters have essentially said I’m full of shit (possibly true) and that Phil Collins does not suck (definitely not true). This got me thinking about other things I hate. I’m not saying you should hate these as well, but I will say that science has proven that if you do hate these things, you’re infinitely smarter than those who love (or even like) them. So let’s get this started, shall we?
Dave Matthews Band
Seriously, fuck Dave Matthews and his band. Their music is fucking simple and their lyrics are vapid. It’s music for guys in jorts, t-shirts, flannels tied around the waist, Tevas, and white hats. In fact, the people who like this band are made up of what my friends and I actually used to call “The White Hats.” These people are always easily identified because they all wear hats that look like some variety of this:
Fuckin’ white hats. Fuck that band. Fuck Dave Matthews. Fuck “eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die.”
I’ve never seen one single episode, yet I know this show sucks. It is, I assume, an unrealistic show based on the concept that quirky, attractive people can live in NYC and somehow be smart, stupid, funny, dull, dimwitted, clever, and droll. The actors are all smarmy, and for whatever reason, nobody likes dating Jennifer Aniston for very long.
This show was hailed as some sort of groundbreaking, emotional juggernaut set against the backdrop of the Korean War. First, the war lasted for a little over three years (even though we’ve never actually signed a peace agreement), but this fucking show lasted for eleven. The movie was a great satire, but the show was shit. It was filled with laugh tracks, two-dimensional characters who kept leaving, stupid Harry Morgan’s “emotional voice cracking™,” and fucking Jamie Farr. The series finale was, at one point, the most watched broadcast in TV history. It’s since been replaced by 9 fucking Super Bowls, including the Saints/Colts one. Also, it produced a spinoff, brilliantly titled “AfterMASH.” I wonder which network genius came up with that title. Somehow this spinoff lasted two whole years, which unsurprisingly happened to coincide with the explosion of the crack epidemic in America.
God he sucks. Look at his stupid fucking face. He’s a two-trick pony. The same meatheads who love the Dave Matthews Band think Adam Sandler is a comedy genius. Thankfully almost all of his shit goes either direct to DVD (hooray!) or immediately to streaming services (BOOOOOO!). He’s Rob Schneider with a more annoying voice.
The Sound of Pouring Beer on TV and in Film
This is what I like to call a paradox. I love beer, but I can’t stand the amplified sound of it on TV or in the movies. It’s as if the sound engineers are making the sound specifically for people who have recently regained their hearing and want desperately to know what the sound of pouring beer is RIGHT FUCKING NOW! The sound is waaaaaaaaaaaaaay overdone. Also, I hate the sound of people kissing on TV and in the movies. Again, way overdone.
Norman Rockwell Paintings
Holy fuck, Norman Rockwell paintings are the worst. I’m not harping on the man’s talent. Obviously, he’s way more talented at painting than you, and he’s way more talented than me. I take umbrage with what his paintings depict. They all have some sort of homey, Americana feel to them. “Oooh, look at me. I can make a difference by standing up and speaking at a town hall meeting.” Rockwell painted an America that never was. Nobody was this wholesome and good-hearted. If Rockwell really wanted to make a difference, he’d have painted things that were truly realistic in his era. Some examples of Rockwell paintings I’d have liked are: “The Great Boy Scout Cannibal Scandal” (1924), “Fatty Arbuckle murders a Prostitute” (1930), and “Swallowing a Hamster, Whole” (1932).
So there you have it. These are more things you should hate, just like everyone should hate Phil Collins. He fucking sucks.