Kinja friends, as you are likely well aware, the international community has recently been subject to the revelation of a modern day scourge, occurring worldwide but most prominent in 2022 World Cup host Qatar.

You know of which I speak, of course: I’m referring to the insidious and brutal practice of shaming people who use slave labor.

This is manifestly unfair, cruel, and must be brought to an immediate and swift end.

Here’s the thing, Kinja friends: owning slaves is easy, cheap, and fucking awesome. As an eighth-generation American Ordietryin’, I’m proud to have had ancestors that fought* and bled** for the right to use incredibly low-cost labor, but more than simply proud of my ancestors, I am rich of my ancestors.

That’s right. I am fucking loaded. I’ve got money to where I buy shit I don’t even remotely enjoy.

But—let me tell you—one thing I will always enjoy buying is more slaves.

As taboo as it’s become in modern society, I have continued my forefathers’ proud tradition of slave ownership, mostly so I can have things done for me without paying for them. Actually, entirely for that reason.

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I hear some of you pooh-poohing slavery, and frankly it’s tough to hear—it makes me wonder whether my children will live in the kind of world that accepts the rights and dignity of all people, especially slaveowners.

I want you to know that we’re not all sadistic monsters like those depicted in films like 12 Years A Slave, just the overwhelming majority of us.

To that end, here’s a short FAQ about slave ownership, to clear up any misconceptions and to finally set the record straight.

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Is owning slaves difficult?

Lord no! All anyone needs is a few thousand dollars to cover start-up costs and a simple DIY program of randomized violence, and slave ownership is a breeze, which hopefully your slaves get once in a while in order to control the cost of hydrating them.

What do your slaves do for you?

As the old adage goes, “If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day. If you give a man a slave, that slave will get that man lots of fish.”

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So, yes, mostly my slaves work in the commercial fishery business in South China Sea. But also textiles, electronics, commercial construction, all kinds of manufacturing, and for organized crime. I have a lot of slaves.

Is slave ownership immoral?

By no means. One of the best things somebody can be given is a purpose in life, and I can assure you that I have given my slaves a purpose in life.

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Their purpose in life is to be slaves.

Are you a bad person?

Again, no. I’m really, really, really good at owning slaves and making money, and I am a person; what more do you need?

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Are you worried FIFA will withdraw its support of the Qatari government because of slavery?

I mean, some slaves are cheaper than others. If buying a few heads of FIFA keeps the slave train rolling, then I’m all for it, because some of my slaves have been stuck in railway cars at border crossings, and many of them aren’t going to make it. I couldn’t care less about soccer, though.

Where are your slaves from? What are their names? Is there any way to contact their families?

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See, this is why it’s not called frequently answered questions.

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Well, I hope you enjoyed hearing from about slave ownership! Please feel free to leave your comments below, but remember—nobody’s forcing you. (Haha, just some slave owner humor for you.)

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*Not in the Civil War, a small proxy war in Central America.

**Mosquito bites, mostly.