A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
Illustration for article titled Patriots AM Wrap Up

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real Tom Brady please stand up?
I repeat, will the real Tom Brady please stand up?


We're gonna have a problem here..

Y'all act like you never seen an elite QB before
Jaws sprawled on the floor, where Mike and Jonny chucked him out the door
And started wreckin the booth worse than before
Slappin their dicks at the breaks, rubbin' out spicy hot takes (Aaah!)


It's the return of the... "Oh, wait, no way, you're kidding,
He didn't just do what I think he did, did he?"
And John Elway said... nothing, you idiots!
John Elway's dead, crashed into Peyton's five-head! (Ha-ha!)

Grittiness shitheads love Edelman
[*vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga*]
"Tom Brady, I'm sick of him
Look at him, walking around flashing his you-know-what
Knockin' up you-know-who."
"Yeah, but he's so good though.."
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my knee loose
But no worse, than what's going on in Revere when we lose


Sometimes, I wanna get on TV and just let loose, but can't
Cuz my Coach's in back, wavin' a big noose -
"You better shut your lips, you better shut your lips.
Cuz if you don't, Giselle might just end up in this"

And that's a message that he drills into all our lids
And reporters still expect to ask what my status is
OF COURSE I'm gonna play, you dumb reporters
I don't care if your sources
Don't understand what the injury report is


"We heard your shoulder's questionable.."
Well, your intellect's estimable
Guess now our game plan's in the receptacle.. [SLURP]

But if you all think Garoppolo can match my throws
Then there's no season like right now to order up your new gyro
[*EWWW!*] But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote
Dropkick Murphys bring it home, sing the chorus and it goes


[Chorus - (repeat 2x):]

['Cause I'm Tom Brady, yes I'm the real Brady
All you other Tom Bradys are just imitating
So won't the real Tom Brady please step up,
Please step up, please step up?]


Alex Smith don't wanna cuss at his backs or break records;
Well I do, so fuck him and fuck you too.
You think I give a damn about a Wild Card?
I'd have more rings than an Olympic graveyard, if wasn't for the mild 'tard

"But Tom, what if you won, where would you rank then?"
Why? So you guys can just jerk off with your pens?
So you can, quote me here, and devote your air...
To some fuckin bullshit drama that'll last all year?
I'll just say I'm in Peyton, Joe & Elway's crop
And let you fuckin' dorks go argue over who's on top


(Little Mitch ranked me last once, among QBs
"Yeah, he's good but I wouldn't take him in fantasy..")
I should upload the video from BPD
And show the whole world how you pulled the plug on Morrie [AHHH!]

I'm sick of you little girlie-boy scoops, all you do is annoy me
So I have been sent here to destroy you [bzzzt]
But there's a million of 'em just like you
Who suck like you; who can't forget 'the tuck' like you
Who dress like you; whose tie game is a mess like you
Who just might be the next one up when they spike you!



I need a head coach to listen tho,
cause I'm only as good as the worst weapon
that I got to catch a fuckin throw


The only difference is I got the balls to say it
In front of Bob and I don't gotta be false or worry about my job
I just get on the phone and tell him
This little Napoleon's sellin'
[*ERR*] my best weapons,
I got like nothin but white receivers out there
Then you wonder how can Ds blow up my options like soft drinks..

It's funny; I used to think that when I was retiring
I'd be the only QB up in Canton rockin' five rings
Tryin on my jacket while the Manning boys are cryin'
And he's lurking, but Cooper's dumb back still has him twerking


But every single season it's just Tom Brady working
With a back they found at Burger King, tight end locked up in Sing-Sing
[*HACH*] Out in the parking lot, searching just
before the warm-ups, for a few receivers
who are not too drunk

So, will the real Brady please stand up?
And put one of those ring-fingers on each hand up?
And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control
And one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?


[Chorus 4X]

Ha ha
Guess there's a Tom Brady in all of us

Fuck it, let's all stand up...
*violently sacked*

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