Have any of you seen a baby laying around? I’m missing mine. His name is Paulinho (DON’T ASK). He’s seven months old, and if I don’t find him soon his mother is going to beat the piss out of me.

The problem with finding this baby is that he’s really stupid. You can call him “Paulinho,” “Lil’ Paul,” or even just “Fucking Baby” and he’s not going to respond. He usually just sits there doing these weird grabbing motions with his hands that don’t seem to be aimed at anything in particular. His depth perception and balance are all fucked up, too. I know he’s a baby and all, but fuck, man, babies are supposed to grow and mature at some point. They’re not supposed to just settle into a rut as soon as they gain a sense of object permanence. It’s not fair to me, his father, and it’s going to make it much tougher to anyone to find him now that he’s decided that he’s going to be stupid for the rest of his life.

I don’t really know how to describe him physically, but I guess I should at least try, if you guys are going to go through the trouble of looking for him. He looks like... I mean, he looks like a baby. He wears a diaper and cries a lot. His limbs look all fucked up though, like little sausage links. I don’t know if all babies have that going on or if it’s just mine, but it looks strange and gross either way. He better grow out of that shit, because I don’t want his freak arms and legs fucking up my family photos for years to come. Anyway, just look for a really unathletic baby that’s sitting or laying on the floor somewhere by itself, and I bet it will be mine.

Honestly, there’s a big part of me that really doesn’t miss him. He steals a lot of attention away from me. Any time I take him on one of his walks (or whatever you call it when you’re walking a baby), women go absolutely batshit. All I ever hear about is how cute he is, what’s his name, how old is he... and why? He’s always coated in drool and odds are he’s got a turd in his pants, because I hardly ever change him. And that’s supposed to be attractive? Hold yourself to a higher standard, ladies. Paulinho is garbage.

But independent of anything else, I really need to find this kid. His mom is the first girlfriend I’ve had in a while, and while I’m not exactly thrilled about her devoting as much attention to the baby as she has recently, I’ve either got to find him or resign myself to another years-long dry spell. The last place I definitively remember seeing him was the airport, so I was thinking about taking a look around there at some point this week. In the meantime, if the rest of you can just keep your eyes open for a really mediocre baby, one that’s definitely not growing up to be an athlete or a scientist, I’d really appreciate it.