A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
A Bad Place Full Of Bad Jerks
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Project Runway : All Stars Season IV, Episode 1 Recap

Illustration for article titled Project Runway : All Stars Season IV, Episode 1 Recap

chid: This is my first season of Project Runway (colon) All Stars. I don't remember most of these people. I can't believe a 51-year-old (Chris March) is part of this cast. He is so old, he is no longer alive. Tim Gunn isn't on this show to be the person to hold you and tell you that everything is okay. Are there any contestants you are most excited for, humanSuitcase?


humanSuitcase: You haven't missed much. Not as much as Zanna missed touching up her roots—ZING! J/K. Zanna, Project Runway's Backup Mentor, knows I love her. BFFs. She has a restraining order against me, but that's just her sayin', "Right back at ya, luv." Oh, Zans.

Yep, DILF March is back cuz he deserves redemption before he dies at the end of this season plus some others—NOT YOU PATRICIA—I'll get to her later. Kate? Yeah, this is like her 3rd or 8th time on a Project Runway (not All Stars!), but she deserves a win. At the expense of everyone else. Yes, even Michelle, who won the hardest PR season, and Justin, who can't even hear me, but they're also my faves. Gut reaction here, Chid, who's your first to go?


chid: I don't know fashion, but I do enjoy watching crazy people do things they are good at doing. Season 10 was the last season of Project Runway I watched. Dmitry looks like he spent the last several years perfecting his Anne Hathaway face-makeup game. He is very beautiful. Predictions are not a thing I am good at making, but based on the first seven minutes of this show, I will guess Kate.

My only hope is that Swatch the dog is not eliminated. This dog is a good dog.

What are you hopes for this season? Do you hope that the QVC Accessory Wall explodes? I do. I also hope that all humans wear Sonjia's neon blue lipstick forever.


hS: I know how to spend money on fashiony things and being really bitchy about it so we're well matched to cover this season. Swatch will never be eliminated. Bad for brand. My one hope the QVC wall catches fire like Carrie's house from the movie but it's actually Isaac Mizrahi's house, and he's Carrie's mother with all the knives in his back: "They're all gonna laugh at you...Patriciaaaa." Ha, ha, got that right, Isaac, you scamp. Hey! Good call on Sonjia. I forgot they brought her back to round out the field. It won't last so don't get too comfy with her. She's a #designerAlsoRan with new hair. Same lipstick but new hair. Anyone new for you?

chid: Heidi Klum looks different, and Michael Kors is barely recognizable. This Downtown team is very Tomb Raider. I hope during criticisms, someone mentions that it's about ethics in dressing models like video game characters.


hS: I got the feeling Ivanka tried to bring that up at the end, but she was silenced because Fat Heidi would dox her. I was told Fat Heidi is actually Alyssa Milano with a tiny person inside, but if that's true she ate a really big tiny person who makes her allergic cuz she's all puffy.

chid: How come the thing Patricia made looks like it needs to be ironed?

hS: Cuz she ruins everything. I've been saying this since the dreaded team season. Why she'll never be a winner. At anything. Anyway, that "baby doll A line empire waisted overdarted mess" she made is perfect for Fat Heidi or Fat Not Michael Kors. By the way, I'm actually shocked she didn't call me out for being mean to her for so long.


chid: You are so mean! I will be Tim Gunn to your Nina Garcia. You can have all of pills to yourself!!!

hS as Nina Garcia: "Growl. I hate this. This? I hate. That? I hate. I hate all of this. It makes me to feel like I'm coming down with something. It's not editorial."


chid: Fabio seems less meek now. Maybe he had shyness during Season 10? I like him. He would be a good son/friend. I will cheer for.

hS: If you like digging fabric out of a dumpster. He totally wrecks Mood's margin. Feel free to cheer for him, though. He needs fans. And money. It's cute that you like him, though.


chid: Can't believe he won with scrap fabric. It is a shame that Swatch the dog did not get to eat dinner. Fabio probably feels pretty guilty about this, as nice son/friend. How surprised were you that Patricia got eliminated? I was not surprised. Her garment was shapeless and also wrinkled. This is unfavorable combination?

hS: Bad silhouette even for Fat Heidi and Fat Not Michael Kors. I always feel bad for poor Swatch cuz he has to put up with these crazy designers' mess on a daily basis, but Fabio probably found some food while freeganning in Red Robin's dumpster. Not surprised Patricia was eliminated since she can't do anything right—even down to that creepy wawawa that I'm sure didn't make her people proud and made the judges eye each other nervously: "Is she going to scalp us!?" Fat Michael Kors clearly looked uncomfortable, but I would also if I had to sit in those bad bar stools with such a wide butt.


chid: Now Project Runway (colon) Threads is on, so I guess that's it for this week. Did you have any final thoughts?

hS: Well, honestly, I adored what Chris, the oldest designer in the whole world, made. I would totally transgenderfy myself just to wear that look for one night cuz I'd rock it. Then I'd want my penis back and be really sad I made such a bad decision. Anyway, he should've won and not Dumpster Palazzo Pants. Ivanka had better ask him for size 8, 10, or Horse in that jumper. What did you think having come back from sleep mode?


chid: I liked Chris' look too. Nothing amazed me, though. Better episodes ahead. Some humans can make cloth look like nice things in a small amount of time—other humans do not have this skill.

hS: Yes, no standouts other than Chris' safety-pinned 80's Throwback this week and the hope for more tears in future episodes.

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