humanSuitcase: Two sads today, recap fans. Nine West's cofounder and million brands empire owner Vince Camuto is d-e-d. RIP Camuto. RIP. Second much more relevant sad is that everyone's true love, chid, is in Mexico for two weeks getting rebooted. Two weeks. Two episodes. Like Chuck Woolery used to say "Back in 2 and 2, heh heh." Today's modern Chuck says "Due to libruls' horrible immigration policy, white people can't vacation in Fast and Furious land. Remember Benghazi, sheeple! Thanks, Black President!" So, filling in for chid is another good buddy: Grunge Banjo! Welcome to PR colon All Stars Season Forever! So, before Alyssa enters her fifth trimester and we get into the theme tonight—which is KILLING me—tell us, Banjo, and be honest, who's your favorite designer on this show?
GrungeBanjo: what is this show.
hS: It's a competition show about fashion and fashiony things. Last week, someone designed a dress in a shark tank, but this episode is about separates because that's what the common people buy at Kohl's and Stein Mart. It's titled "Versatile Tops and Bottoms". Says it right there on my Xfinity info screen. See?
GB: What is kohl's (finishes tanning a doe hide)
hS: It's like Gander Mountain but has a lot less guns in it.
GB: I've had the sex on this Gander Mountain. I gander'd $20
GB: ok that's a lie. Who the shit is this Fabio bro. I like his necklace. It's like if Sigur Ros fucked Marcy Playground in a hotel that regretted paying for those two additional tinsel stars.
hS: So, Fabio's your favorite. That's settled. You root for him. Okay, so this ample woman wobbling can tell you more about what's going to happen. Her name is Alyssa. Don't confuse her with the blonde lady later who's thin.
GB: well here we go. Fashion.
hS: No one's talking about the show's theme: Versatile Tops & Bottoms. My head will go Scanners if no one addresses this theme in some snarky way.
GB: what do they mean. This woman is in solid plaid talking about separate pieces.
hS: Women like to buy separates because they can pair different items with other things they already own when they go out to shop for more separates. How retailers actually make money. It's less expensive than buying ensembles.
GB: Rihanna is busy talking over the bro from TV On The Radio.
hS: That's Sonjia. She's doing the math that there are now 6 people left so that's 3 on the top and three on the bottom. I am pretty sure there aren't that many tops on this show.
GB: speak to me! IT'S CLOTH LET THE CLOTH SPEAK, FOR GOD'S SAKE
hS: Sonjia has gone En Vogue this week. Free your mind and let the rest follow.
GB: Someone just killed a horsefly with her earring.
hS: Michelle knows what women want to wear, from size 7 to size 24 (it goes higher, Michelle). She's going to make something flattering to all body types so basically a steel belted caftan maxi. QVC is always selling to full figured women with good credit at 3am so Michelle should do well in this challenge. Do you know what Ready-To-Wear (RTW) means? They're going to say this a lot.
GB: I am most ready to wear this. I speak for America. It's like putting on the meat coat, but the meat coat is made by lady gaga's cousin, and you're in a slaughterhouse and WHY GOD WHY MY LEGS
hS: Close enough. That woman with the long, over-conditioned mopey hair doesn't like this challenge because she doesn't design separates or RTW but she doesn't want to be pinned as a evening wear designer—DON'T WORRY, HELEN. She wants to be known as a high end designer that designs things with clothy cloths and fitted. Like, you know, FITTED.
GB: at least the pieces are navigable, unlike this website.
hS: Jay has never designed with red before. I think he's actually color blind. I would pay $5 to one of these jokers to tell him it's green. Zanna's here! She walks around and makes comments about the designers looks, but she's really just airing her pits in that dress. Maybe Zanna will hit up Fabio about his versatility and being a top or a bottom. She's good for it.
GB: Her elbows are like if you caught an archaeopteryx on fire.
hS: She told Michelle to be more versatile. Top or bottom, Michelle?
GB: versatile? She's wearing the battleship game on her body.
hS: Battleships have fewer chains on them than what's in that fabric's print.
hS: Michelle is well known for her bon mots. She just said Jay's pants were a tablecloth turned into pants that would be perfect if you were eating ribs but no one's really going to wear those. Just think for a minute. She was almost off the show last week. We could've missed this gem.
GB: JAY- START WITH SLEEVES. Being a tanned popeye doesn't mean you get to run the straw-roofed Gap in Maui.
hS: You win this show tonight. Okay, so they're going to close the NASDAQ because fashion is a business and separates makes money, and Helen is scaring the Times Square tourists because the stock market is making her very excited in her pants. Alyssa et al on the Jumbotron don't seem as enthused when pressing the closing button, but Helen cums. I feel really dirty having seen that.
GB: At least these assholes can count down on their careers.
hS: It's the business side of fashion. They just said it for the umpteenth time.
GB: This Euro guy. Am I gonna buy your shit because you fell out the basement during an outtake of a My Bloody Valentine video? Make some clothes.
hS: Dmitry's making versatile ice dancing tops and bottoms. But he's using lace this time. Usually he leaves such a big seam allowance, but this time he didn't. That's inside baseball for he fucked up connecting his fabric panels. There's literally days worth of arguments online about what is the right amount of seam allowance, and absolutely none of it is entertaining.
GB: It's like if you were married to Bjork. You get used to the coldness.
hS: Sonjia is on the way to making a swan dress. In yellow. Fashion forward swan.
GB: I mean, I'd sex Bjork.
hS: Oh. She might go hunting with you if you asked. Nicely. Don't touch her daughter.
GB: This is the worst House Hunters episode ever.
hS: Nothing is near work. This kitchen hasn't got granite tabletops or been updated. There's only 2 full bathrooms. No office space. And what about little Trevor? Where's he going to play with that small backyard?
GB: Trevor will learn beer pong. And that awful clothing can keep you warm.
hS: I don't think the models on this show have ever been warm a day in their life let alone thrown up a hot lunch.
GB: CALM DOWN. CUT THAT STITCH UP.
hS: Jay's scrapping his looks completely. It's over, Jay. Pack your knives and go.
GB: She's gonna be street fighter. she's now an even less talky De Blasio.
hS: Streetfighter with lace. Dmitry doesn't want you to forget he's doing neoprene + lace. Never been done before. Jay has now made a top that you can wash one time. I know because I have shorts in that material from South Moon Under, and you can see my goodies right through the newspaper that you can also read through this threadbare material. I really do love these shorts.
GB: Hey! Let's wear a cloud! Your shorts are smoking, btw.
hS: That's your Fabio. You picked him, and you're stuck with him. And...awww!
GB: dammit fabio. you've hurt my heart.
hS: He's in an open relationship and believes in genderless fashion. He's a versatile bottom. Emphasis on bottom. Why is no one is talking about this theme?
GB: Wear some boots, idiots.
hS: I didn't see any on the QVC accessory wall. Or any doe hide for that matter. Sorry they're not playing to your demographic tonight. Michelle has deer antlers for earrings, though. Isaac just told that other woman (QVC coworker) that Alyssa is pregnant. That could've gone really awkward had he not told her. So glad he did. By the way, just ignore that Snuffleupagus judge over there. If there's two guest judges, we ignore one. Or if it's Macklemore who should be shot.
Okay, so the runway has started. It's usually slow mo so you can get a good glimpse of everything that's gone wrong.
hS: Sonjia aka Rihanna is first. It's just fine. Porridge Goldilocks would eat. Again. The dress is probably the most fashion foward of them all, though. Then there's Fabio's separates and gown. They're a hot mess. Hot garbage mess. All of it. That natural acid etch from his pee on the dress's fabric is so 2015.
GB: nice cubes. makes up for the lack of pubes. also, yellow.
hS: Helen's is so fashion forward you can't even see it yet. It's so forward, future, and fitted.
GB: I AM THE KNIGHT *the model mouthed*
hS: Who would have thought neoprene + lace? Dmitry, that's who. "It can be very interesting pieces which especially in that jacket that can be diverse." Well, thank god for him.
Okay, fine, I like the jacket. I'd wear that in public.
GB: Poor woman. I appreciate her backing those poor murals ruined in south america. is this the expedition unknown premiere?
hS: Ooo, she got her bible and her Alizé! Oh, those Preachers Daughters are such a cut up. Michelle really went out on a limb with her choices. Too bad that limb's breaking. I will say she cut it all together nicely with respect to her model's shape, and yeah, I can see maybe a size 9 wearing that, but urgh, that pattern's too much. Protip: Never select a print that's larger than your jerking hand.
GB: Bumblebee colors? Egh. but DAT ASS
hS: Jay's sparkly garbage pants and one wash 'n' wear top should send him home. Who do you think is going home?
GB: I have a feeling Professor Snape is going home.
hS: Pretty good pick, but the judges will like that it's got a great silhouette or elegantly constructed. Those are judging words for "I'm full of shit, and I'm required by contract to say something." Same as in football commentary: "If they put some points on the board, they have a chance to win this game." I think Fabio's leaving. His separates are too junior. Judges hate either too junior or too "madame". This looks like it was designed by Ungaro while he suffered a migraine, which was also suffering its own migraine.
GB: what are you talking about. if it ain't 30x32 it ain't good enough for me
hS: Not even going to ask if you like a break in your hem.
GB: I'm a man, I don't have one of them hems
hS: I suppose there's not much tailoring at Cabela's, is there?
GB: HERE WE ARE: Avatar vs. Kill Bill
hS: Good eye. Dmitry could learn a lot from your insight.
GB: ADDENDUM: WILDCARD with Lowe's drapes
hS: What about Fabio's? What do you think about his versatile tops and bottoms?
hS: He's your favorite designer with that dye vomit on his dress.
GB: It's like Sanna Annukka ran through a minefield escaping the bombing of warsaw.
hS: That is the best critique I have ever heard or read about any fashion seen on this show. You should be sitting in the judge's chair. I mean, Isaac just called Michelle's print "Duty Free", as in freshly purchased from the airport. Emphasis was on "Doody". We all know that's what you meant, Isaac.
GB: I don't like prints either, person with fake hair.
hS: She used to host a show on QVC. That channel doesn't like to sell anything that doesn't have a $9 price point including freight charges.
GB: That brah's wardrobe choices were the irrelevant colors of an Ariel Pink album.
hS: Uh oh, your man Fabio is irrelevant. Isaac called it. You heard it. Irrelevant. One of the worst things you can be called in this business. You're better off just having Isaac having the gin shits right in your mouth than being called "irrelevant".
GB: Fabio has broken my heart in 40 goddamn minutes. Gin shits and all.
hS: Who do you think is going home tonight? There's so many choices.
GB: All of them. Who are these people. Where are the cowboy boots? I need a smoke.
hS: You stole my line about all of them going home. You can have it tonight because you are an awesome guest. I also usually have a Compliment of the Week™. I'm giving that Compliment to you, Banjo. You've been a real hero tonight, but not like American Sniper hero.
GB: Well Rihanasatra won so cool shit. That hat is bullshit.
hS: So glad she beat out Helen. I'd like to have a word with her about her "little black dress". Alyssa said she'd wear that on a red carpet, and then box it up for her future daughter to wear. As if that's special. I guess Alyssa boxes up lots of Kohl's Chaps dresses covered in cart marks for her low-expectations-met little girl.
GB: THE DESIGNER ELIMINATED TONIGHT: NOT THE GUY WHO CAN'T FUCKING DRESS HIMSELF
hS: Poor Jay. I would say I feel bad, but I don't because I always forget about Hawaiian Popeye.
GB: that poor guy. If he'd played his cards right he'd have a recurring role on the new season of Hawaii 5-0
hS: Oof. Isaac just read Fabio for filth. "Don't be a bottom again!" Something like that, at least. I'm livid no one mentioned the actual theme. EXCEPT ME. Goddamn you Project Runway. Goddamn you to hell.
Okay, so that's it for this week, Banjo. Thanks for filling in for chid this episode. Next week is wedding dresses. What'd you think? Think you could hang around for that?
GB: Good luck, Chid.