humanSuitcase: Bad news: chid is out tonight. Good news: Grunge Banjo is in. Bad news: This episode is an hour and a half. Good news: Finale is next week. Bad news: Designers are dressing dogs. Good news: Isaac Mizrahi watches a dog shit on the floor. You ever dress up your dog and pretend she's on the red carpet posing for Ryan Seacrest, Banjo?
GrungeBanjo: I have never stared so long and blankly at a body of text in my entire life. I'm so goddamn mad that this exists already.
But yes, I've dressed a lot of animals in my time. Mostly wild game, though.
hS: But, who were they wearing? Spring or pre-Spring? Fall or pre-Fall? Also, who did their styling? These are very important questions and distinctions.
GB: Fur, mostly.
hS: Risque! Always controversial, but secretly pleasing. So, this week it turns out it's a Marilyn Monroe On The Runway Lifetime Movie Of The Week main challenge. Guess we get the Doggie Dressing later.
GB: I like this guy's American Idiot album cover shirt. Marilyn had a secret life?!
hS: Her secret life is that she was played by someone we've never heard of before or will see ever again.
GB: Jessica Chastain looks a little haggard with these Lifetime roles.
hS: My guess it's the barbiturates. So in right now. Barbiturates. So there's a job to have after this challenge for the winner. Something about designing for Some Character In A Lifetime Movie but not this Marilyn one. Whatever. No one seems all that interested except Helen who wants so badly to be a costume designer for movie stars because it's so different than what she's doing now being the Before Girl in a Prell ad.
GB: Dimitri is drawing trees 69ing. Tree sex, on Lifetime. The trees are also unhealthily thin. God he's the worst. I don't even recall him. Was he on the one episode I watched?
hS: Well, if these trees want to be have a career in the fashion world they're going to have to drop a few now don't they. Dmitry has a tendency to exist, so yes, he was on the one episode you watched.
GB: "I don't know what a mint julep is." What the actual shit. "I don't know what the Cold War is, but do you need a refrigerator to LARP"
hS: To be fair to Helen, and I don't want to be at all, but she's talking about the color of her grandmother's doily fabric, but this "mint julep" really should be called "gainsboro" because it's a light gray and not a green at all. Either way, I want her to stop saying everything she thinks. Stop it. Ssh.
GB: Edward fucking Scissorhands cutting fabric like a Detroit suburb hedgerow.
hS: He's getting lots of fringe even though fringe was so last season. Idiot. He's going to tea dye it because the off-white fringe doesn't match his winter white fabric. Nothing good can come from this. You ever dyed anything that dried in less than a day? Speaking of nothing good this way comes, here's Isaac Mizrahi, pickled from all those Sea Breezes he had at lunch, with an unnecessary mini challenge.
GB: He's a bottle of Hennessy that was thrown in the dryer with the '08 Ed Hardy collection.
hS: Oh, he's brought out Lassie and Lassie's brand manager. Boris Badenov's never heard of Lassie. Why does he hate America?
GB: Oh for fuck's sake. That manager is insufferable. Why is he using a Twister mat for a pocket square.
hS: Left hand on nipple. Right foot up his ass. Isn't Lassie is so smart carrying those bags? Poor dog's thinking "Can't believe this shit is part of my contract. Fuck your bag and fuck you, human person."
GB: The Walking Pint of Cognac just said gangster. He sounds like what I imagine El-P's father is like on Thanksgiving.
hS: Michelle got western and will be designing her dog for Cathouse 3: Enter Thru The Rear. Helen's dog has restless leg syndrome and lazy eye. Of course, Helen has to remind the dog of its condition AS IF HE DOESN'T KNOW ALREADY.
GB: They are dressing dogs. In assless chaps. ASSLESS CHAPS. Suitcase, I… I *chugs bottle*
hS: Perfect accessory when Mr. International Leather takes his purse dog to the park, Michelle.
GB: Well, for once, we have a competent judge. Lassie '16
hS: I vote that the rest of PR be judged by Laverne Cox and Lassie. Hooray, Michelle won the shameless plug + movie tie in + charity cause challenge—did you know Isaac had a dogwear line, Dreamworks bought the rights to Lassie, and whatever this charity is? Helen's dog shit the floor in protest. I hope that's an omen for what's to come of her.
GB: [most perfect distillation of these contestants' minds ever] *holds scissors* "it's hammer time."
hS: Michelle found Isaac's booze: "COUTOOR COUTOI COUTTOOR COOTER!" Hey now, look what the cat dragged in: Zanna aka Miss Kitty aka Vienna from Johnny Guitar. There is a Longhorn Steakhouse out there somewhere missing a few tablecloths.
GB: The Tin Maiden Strikes Again. Those crap back chains.
hS: She's upset that Michelle is hookering up the overpriced fabric for her gown. Zanna should've been there to see the dog's assless chaps. That's what happens when you let Isaac get tuned up and take over the work room, Zanns.
GB: Rocket Raccoon Kate Moss hasn't even looked at any of these dresses. She is staring blankly at a ceiling raining imaginary cocaine like a modern-day Moses grabbing God's dandruff.
hS: Go on, Zanns. Be someone. Looks like she got a few good toots in cuz she is hating the top of Helen's granny gown. Good luck tailoring that shit back, Helen. Have to take that shit down to the studs.
GB: Banjo just passed out drunk on the floor. Fashionably. Did you know he's wearing a coonskin cap? Or that might be an actual raccoon.
hS: On his head or Red Hot Chili Peppers style? Important distinction to make here for my spank bank.
GB: i'm back. Good for that girl saving up to buy set pieces from Last of the Mohicans.
hS: Picture this, Banjo: Kate Blanchett wearing Armani Privé to the Oscars AND Golden Globes AND the UN General Assembly. Can you just imagine it? Zanna can, but Helen can't. "Privvy? Prevay? Wha?"
GB: John Bolton is unimpressed. Wasn't he the King of Brussels? What's "Victorian," anyway?
hS: What's "timeless classic"? Make it sparkle with your eyes. Whatever that means, too.
GB: So a deerskin-embellished codpiece? I learned that in semenary. lol SEMENary. Crap I'm drunk
hS: Everyone loves a drunk banjo. Michelle is now speaking Putin's language.
GB: She said "hold the crystal balls. lulz" Extrapolate, please.
hS: "Who eez in the trouble, Dmitrys? Luuk eento jour crystal ballz."
"Whoovar eez not een zee röom? They are in the trouble." Dmitry looks around cautiously. They're alone. "Girl with bad hair. She eez troubles."
GB: This is crap. Marilyn Monroe did not show a ton of skin. Will someone tell these people that didn't beat off to VHS movie covers that Marilyn is not the chick waving a plastic sword yelling "will you be my hero" while she punches herself out like EA Sport's Fight Night '08 with her corset?
hS: But...this is Lifetime's The Secret Life Of Marilyn Monroe. In this version Marilyn does anal and loses her autistic daughter to an Iranian mobster who kidnaps her to Canada. By the way, have you asked your doctor how Xeljanz can treat your whatever?
GB: And this year's Best Picture Winner is, yes, yes it is, Farrah Abraham Lincoln, starring Paul Giamatti.
Xeljanz is fine. She is really into basket-weaving and praying for the wolverine population.
hS: I thought Paul Reiser was up for that role. What do I know? Clearly nothing. I do know Real Little People of Hartford, however. Thank god for they have a show for them.
GB: Do you think Alyssa Milano uses a baby corset?
hS: Ssssh, she's wearing 2 of those plus some Baby Spanx. Time for the judges, and we have a new one this week that's not Laverne Cox. OMAROSA! I'm surprised she's allowed out after killing—excuse me, allegedly not not killing Michael Clarke Duncan.
GB: I love this Tin Man alteration for Christmas.
hS: Gold for the honey. Green for the money. Go on with your bad self Sonjia. Now, come on, Michelle's is a stunner. Black. Sexy. Slinky. Maybe not the chain, but whatever. It's a placeholder for the loaned Bulgari diamond strand we're forgetting to return. Anyway, low, open backs really get to me. That model is getting some after the awards show when she doesn't win. Drunk Julianne Moore, her bush all aflame from all that Oscar heat, would get so much cock in that dress. And that's my Compliment of the Week™.
GB: This third dress looks like you bought some Dashboard Confessional-era Mossimo nightgown from the Salvation Army store.
hS: You've been reading the trades. Good for you! Winner of this week's challenge is Banjo!
GB: What are your thoughts on the ranking of these clothing articles? I need to go make another drink, and ApplePay for some assless chaps.
hS: Michelle in the lead. Boris is 2nd. Sonjia is...a golden guipure shower. Helen's is the used Swiffer Wet Mop in the back room of the Chicago Eagle.
GB: Too many ideas. TOO MANY IDEAS. Here's an idea- put some clothes on Lorde, you pervert.
hS: "Everyone's MAAAAD about midriffs." says Isaac. I'm so embarrassed to share gay with him.
GB: I love that the woman who steals necklaces from the U-Haul facility has opinions on dresses.
hS: Nice Schlage and tit slits, lady. But, hey, Omarosa really knows her stuff. She knows that these dresses usually get photographers doing what they do when they see pretty dresses in public. Taking pictures of them. That's right. Good job, Omarosa. Isaac likes the sheer on Michelle's but he's doesn't know if he likes it. No, he likes it. Wait. No, someone will like it.
GB: Frosted E&J VSOP found a chair that wasn't from Sharper Image to lay forth opinion.
hS: Georgina is an idiot. I'm sorry, but I'm saying it. "Very pretty...very impactful. However. This dress is about fabric. It's the patterning in it that doesn't feel the most expensive. It feels very found." Well, no fucking shit, lady. Michelle got one day and dumped her whole budget on 2 yards of Lurex devoré to make this shit and she also had to make assless chaps for a dog cuz Isaac got drunk and blew Lassie's brand manager from Steamworks for a percentage.
GB: I agree. She's obviously never gotten out of pajamas.
hS: You wouldn't know that she's an actress and runs her own multi-million dollar line with her roommate from college. Tonight, she's just pissing me off.
GB: Yay Dimitri, all you did was put JCPenney bra straps on a Turkish tapestry next to the British Embassy in Istanbul.
hS: It's an upcycled flapper dress. It's nice, but I wouldn't be all that happy on the red carpet wearing it. "Oooh, who are you wearing?" "This old thing? It's an...ummm...this Russian guy's fringey thing. It's just okay. A little itchy and heavy. Y'know, I'm gonna go change into my Lululemon yoga pants I left in my Prius."
Made Alyssa say "really fucking beautiful" embarrassing Dainty Princess Isaac so thanks, Dmitry!
GB: Where is the sexy Monroe shit
hS: Forgotten, just like that Kelly Whatshername's career. Banjo, this is longer a challenge about classic Lifetime Movies of the Week like "Not Without My Daughter", "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger", or "My Stepson, My Lover". No, this is about getting blood in your mouth and taking a razor to your competitor's bias tape. This? This is a raw moment crudely forged on the gridiron of reality tv fashion shows.
GB: Girlwonder here. Just want to say that so far this is some bullshit. Who are these people and what qualifies them to know fashion. Also, I'm drunk. Also, I like Michelle's dress. Purty. "It's not Oscar worthy." YOU'RE not Oscar worthy Miss Ebay Store Seller of Stuff.
hS: Ladies and Gentlemen, let's welcome to the recap: Girlwonder. Let's give her a round of applause for saying what we're all thinking.
GB: Hey, y'all. If it's one thing I know, it's fashion. 'Scuse me while I go scrape this slug off my converse.
hS: Alyssa says that THIS IS THE BIGGEST DECISION THEY'VE HAD TO MAKE. It's bigger than when Isaac had to close his original line. It's bigger than when Georgina lost her investors. It's bigger than when Alyssa thought "Commando" would be good for her career. It's bigger than when Omarosa divorced Stallworth. THIS IS HUGE.
GB: WAIT THERE'S A LADY HAVING A BABY IN THE WILD AND IT ISN'T ALYSSA MILANO. Poor thing looks like she's about to burst. That baby is all up in her rib cage and shit. ALso grungebanjo is serenading me with some freaky song. Halp. *KICKS IN DOOR* MY FALSETTO IS ON POINT
hS: Trigger warning, Lifetime, please. Puttin' me off my dinner of balut on canned brown bread.
GB: That dress looked like fetid foie gras, come to think of it.
hS: Oh god, the dog crapping on the runway was a portent for this moment. The judges can't make up their minds who should go, which is a lie. The producers just want to delay Dance Moms. Just dash someone's dreams already and move on to the finale. This show is supposed to take an hour, and now we're in new playoff rules overtime. This is worse than Steelers v. Broncos starring Tebow's Jesus Take The Wheel ball (Yes, I really need to let that go).
"Coming up on Project Runway...you're all going to die in there."
GB: This will never end. I am in the second circle of hell. This is the worst fashion win since Tom Brady held the Goodell's Balls Trophy.
hS: Oh no...no nononoonono!!!11!1! They have to hack up past designers' failures and make a new look. In an hour. Live on the runway, but the judges are leaving so it's not really live. Fuck this. /throws stack of WWDs and laptop in air
GB: The TV is blurry. What's going on
hS: Wake up, man. It's meltdown time. Helen's lost it. She can't cut up someone's hard work. Sob! Get a grip. It's fabric not an artery, lady. I mean, I get they're tired and overworked, but let me tell you when Yves Fucking St. Laurent first started at Dior, he was perpetually coked to the gills, smoking 5 packs a day tearing up and recreating discards under the atelier's cane. And he liked it. He loved it. Now? He is a legend. A goddamn legend. Suck it up, Helen.
GB: SWEET JESUS SHE'S CRYING OVER CUTTING UP PEOPLE'S CLOTHES.
hS: God bless Michelle. "Just tear up the ugly stuff. They won't mind. You can do it, Helen." This is our winner, folks. Shut it down everyone. Michelle just won the whole fucking show.
GB: She just put that chick in a 3rd grade collage of what most people in Houston would consider a planetary mobile.
hS: Unfortunately, she didn't follow the rules because exhaustion and not hearing what Alyssa said because she was thinking about Jay's BBQ pants from 2 weeks ago. I mean, I would, too, Michelle. I would, too. Anyway, she made "Pantchos". I'll allow this.
GB: Michelle has won. It's obvious.
hS: She's my winner, at least. I'll be yelling this repeatedly while I burn down the Project Runway set.
GB: Isaac looks like Tony Soprano fucked Guy Fieri and they threw the baby into a Dartmouth fountain without the pennies.
hS: I will pay $1000 to watch that porn exactly one time. Isaac's is using polite critique language because of the low expectations extra final challenge. "Look at the forms here. This silhouette has weight and grace. I like the vampire insets on the collar. You're using Cubism, Helen. I love it."
GB: The right choice was made. Speaking of which, you like Apollinaire?
hS: The water?
GB: The Cubist poet.
hS: Um, uh, yeah, he's only like the biggest literary figure of that time. de Chirico, my all-time favorite Surrealist, painted a bunch of portraits of him. Apollinaire? Yep, know all about him and...yes, his writing. /quietly closes Wikipedia
GB: As he said once, and perfect in regards to Project Runway, "A structure becomes architectural, and not sculptural, when its elements no longer have justification in their nature."
hS: Oh yeah, well...Laurie Anderson once said that Steve Martin said "Writing about music is like dancing about architecture."
GB: True to form. Good episode, whitey.
hS: So...finale's next week, Banjo. Really happy about this season finally coming to an end, but Michelle, Kate, and Justin are not in it so fuck it all to hell. I hope Helen's overconditioned hair all falls out for blocking me on Twitter. Again.